Goodbye

Okay, so I got a little frustrated earlier. Seriously though, I think I will stop writing in this. Hardly anyone leaves comments, which makes me think no one really reads it. I feel silly writing in it for one person. Plus it's inevitable that I'll get frustrated, sad, worried, or anxious about something and take it out on this page for whatever reason. If I want to keep a journal for my own benefit, I'll just start one and make it private, that way I can write whatever I want.

So in my style of analyzing everything (so frequently to the point of overanalyzation), I'll draw on the irony between my darling little blog's start and finish. The results from the reason for it's inception have now become the reason for it's conclusion. It is no longer a place where I can display my personality and my life, but rather a place that traps me within my own sphere and disables me from either escaping or properly conveying any and all of my deepest wishes and desires. It serves no purpose other than to give me a place to rant or spill things that should not be shared and makes me realize just how much I lack in controlling these spontaneous outbreaks. In other words, this page does nothing but prolong and extend that which causes me the most anxiety, therefore, I believe it is in my best interest to abstain from any further entries.

It is with melancholy in my heart and profound respect for this six month era, this voyage of introspection and self-discovery, that I must respectfully decline from continuing this webpage. I've laughed, I've cried, I've been silly, happy, frustrated, confused, worried, and excited. It was an experience, but it, like all things in the world, must end. Perhaps someday in the future there will be a time when it can be continued. A time when things of the past have dissolved and been long forgotten and I can once again look upon this page with fresh eyes and new ideas. It will no longer symbolize a prolonged lack of realization, but will instead serve as a medium for something more meaningful and less paltry. I give my sincere gratitude and thanks to those who cared enough to squander their time with my insipid meditations, sentiments, and daily encounters. With that, I take my leave and somewhat sorrowfully say

Goodbye.

Ok, now I quit.

"Oh, how stubbornly does love - or even that cunning semblance of love which flourishes in the imagination, but strikes no depth of root into the heart - how stubbornly does it hold its faith, until the moment come, when it is doomed to vanish into thin mist!"

-Nathaniel Hawthorne, "Rappaccini's Daughter"

Why do I bother? Why do I care? I quit.

Why is the Weekend Already Over?

Yay for a fun relaxing weekend! It was so so so nice to have a weekend with nothing scheduled to do whatever I wanted, which really consisted of nothing at all. I spent the majority of both days napping and reading, and the evenings watching movies. An hour and a half on the phone with a friend from home, another hour talking to my parents. It was so great to catch up with people. No committments, nothing dictating my whereabouts every hour, no excessive amounts of homework. It was all very lovely. Boo to a new week full of more work and scheduled activities. How many days until Thanksgiving?

Am I becoming a drama queen? Or even something more minor, like a drama princess or a drama duchess? Dear God I hope not! What's going on here? Since when did things get so crazy and messed up? I think I missed that memo...

Illegible Notes

My European history class is late in the afternoon, and after getting up early in the morning, I'm usually really tired by that time, therefore I tend to nod off a little in class. I was looking through my notes today, and realized that there are some really random things scribbled amidst my notes. Much of it is illegible, but from what I can read, I must have been really out of it.

Examples (spelling errors and all):
-tools & people make it buy-serfs (I'm still not sure what they make or buy)
-means-stuff (serfs, plow, seeds)
-mde:industrialix (scribble scribble scribble) industrialization
-Austria good
-1849-nothg happens, we missed it
-monarchs stop suppt
-who's in? (new Germany) [not sure what that means either]
-name definest person steroeoys-stein (then I drew a kite and a lightning bolt)
-joins 2nd empire (1852-1870)-pbbrows from lege a canst structure great contact list (then I drew something that looks like a candle or a bomb then the word "France!". I don't remember doing any of that)
-sort of can't make meetings decision -> limited
-no polen bad to talk about debate
-take andores it high school
-some statue they live it up-cookie?
-French and Austria never on same silied
-protects Germany-2 font plan
-Brisma (instead of Bismarck) keep
-never act war
-how tefi rodeeente how to fix (I have no idea what that is)

I think I need to get more sleep or take a nap before that class because very few of my notes make any sense and I can't even read half of them.

Despite my delinquency in that history class, my midterm grades are amazing. It's so exciting. I'm so close to having all A's if it weren't for that stupid history class. I really need to stay awake, because it would be the most amazing thing ever if I could get all A's.

Last week was the most stressful week of the year thus far. I had a test and two papers, which I guess isn't as much as some people had, but on top of everything else, it was more than enough. I turned my last paper in today, so it should be a bit calmer for a little while, at least that's what I'm hoping. All I have now is about a week and a half of history to catch up on (yuck). It's so so cold today, and my roommate is freezing me by having the window wide open. I'm wearing a long-sleeve shirt, a sweater, and a jacket, and I'm still shivering and my hands are like ice.

Homecoming was a lot of fun. I went to some parties and the homecoming gala and took lots of pictures. Fun times. There is nothing at all going on this weekend, so that's good, it's nice to just be able to chill. Although it could be bad because my roommate is going home this weekend, and if there's nothing to do, I might be stuck in the room by myself all weekend (double yuck). I'm sure I'll find something to do, I always do, and I'm not really worried about it. The weekend after that is going to be super fun because I'm going somewhere really really fun with some really fun people, but I can't disclose that location yet, let's just say I haven't been this excited about anything since I went to Florida my senior year of high school.

Now for some random stuff.

I really don't like Ralph Waldo Emerson. I think that when he writes stuff, it sounds so much like he's just making it up so it will sound all deep and intelligent. It's like he thinks some phrase or statement sounds really good, so he writes it down and shows it off, as if to say "listen to me, look what I made up, doesn't it sound impressive?" I know he's a famous writer and stuff, but I really think it all sounds so fake and so uninspiring. That's just my opinion.

I think I hit a transitional period. Maybe it's because the weather is changing and getting cold, or maybe it's because I found myself singing "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" in the shower yesterday, either way, things are changing. This weekend, it was like someone flipped a switch, and I just thought "Oh................okay....................that's cool". It's funny how things can completely change in a millisecond and you have no idea why.

I made a new CD yesterday of songs I've listened to since the end of summer and labeled it "Fall Songs" (so clever and creative, I know). So just because I feel like it, I'm listing it.

1. The Calling - Our Lives - Reminds me of summer.
2. The Cranberries - Linger - Not sure why, I just like it.
3. John Mayer - No Such Thing - Yeah, I know it's old, but right now I'm liking it all over again. Plus it reminds me of 11th grade and history class with Nathan and my cherry scented pen. ;)
4. Seether featuring Amy Lee - Broken - Very sad, but in a not so bad way. Maybe it's because they're singing it together.
5. Hilary Duff - Come Clean - I really liked this song until I found out it was sung by Hilary Duff. That really ruined it for me, but I can't help it, I still like the song. But I still don't like Hilary Duff.
6. John Mayer - Why Georgia - My favorite John Mayer song, it's such a sing-along.
7. Duncan Sheik - Barely Breathing - You know how you like a song for a long time, then you get sick of it and you can't listen to it anymore. Then a few years later, you hear it again and realize how much you still like it. Yep, that's this song. It's on revival right now.
8. The Corrs - Summer Sunshine - This is such a happy song, I sang it all summer/early fall. It always puts me in a good mood.
9. Pat McGee Band - Beautiful Ways - Just a neat, catchy song.
10. The Cranberries - Dreams - No song has ever so perfectly fit the past couple of months I've had since being back at school.
11. Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending - It's kind of catchy.
12. Pat Benetar - Love is a Battlefield - The movie 13 Going on 30 totally brought this song back.
13. Neil Diamond - Sweet Caroline - Yeah, this one is really random. I haven't been able to stop singing "Sweet Caroline BAH BAH BAH" ever since the girls down the hall blasted it for 20 minutes straight.
14. The Black-Eyed Peas - Let's Get it Started - I'll never forget turning this song all the way up and dancing around in Caitlin's car with Julie, Brooke, and Katie on the way back from Skyline Chilli. Good times.
15. Ryan Cabrera - On the Way Down - This was the last song I downloaded at home before coming to college and I love love love it. It's one of those songs that makes you happy everytime you hear it.
16. Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway - I just heard this last week, and now it's my new favorite song for the time being. It has been on repeat for quite some time now and I am most definitely loving it right now.
17. Ashlee Simpson - Shadow - I don't really like this song, I just put it on there to fill the CD up. I heard it once and thought it was ok, but now I realize it's just Ashlee whining because Jessica is so much more popular than her. I would delete it if I could, but I think I'm kind of stuck.
18. Garbage - Cherry Lips - Heard this in Caitlin's car. It's so catchy I had to download it.
19. Dirty Vegas - Days Go By (acoustic) - I liked the regular version of this song, then I heard the acoustic version. I love love love love love the acoustic version so much more. It's so mellow and cool to listen to anytime, just to chill. Very cool version.

Alison and the Horrible, Awful, No Good, Very Bad Day

I didn't get any sleep last night and spent the whole time in a computer lab writing a paper that I didn't start until 1:00 a.m. Very stupid and very bad move. Somehow I made it, despite the horrible, horrible, horrible, indescribably bad evening/night that I had yesterday. I'm shocked. I was really really upset for awhile, so I wrote this really long, stupid, whiny entry on this page, then realized how stupid it was, and now BAM! It's deleted! Which is good because I should never ever ever write spontaneous entries on no sleep because really stupid things are bound to be said. But that's remedied, and I'm in a much better mood now.

My really bad night turned into a bad morning though when I couldn't get the paper that I was up all night writing printed anywhere on campus because the printing network was messed up, and my printer doesn't work right now because my computer is kind of messed up too. So I had to tell my professor that I couldn't get it printed, which I really really didn't want to do, but he didn't seem to care. He let me print it out on the printer in his office. That was actually really good because I'd never really talked to him before and I was thinking of eventually asking him to be my advisor, and I didn't want to just randomly walk up and ask him. So now maybe I can talk to him more and then ask him. I just don't know how to go about doing that, it seems awkward/weird. I guess everyone does it though.

Anyway, I finished the rough draft of the paper, which we were just peer editing in class, but I was freaking out about, because I get really picky when it comes to writing papers. I read this one girl's paper in class, and I don't intend to sound mean or anything, but her paper was so so so so so so bad. She didn't have a clear thesis, and it was like she had just shoved a bunch of random paragraphs together to try to make it pass for a paper. There was no clear argument at all, and I can honestly say I didn't pick up one common theme throughout the whole paper. Plus there was no concluding paragraph. I'm not claiming that I'm going to win a Pulizter within the next year, but I know how to create an argument and support it throughout the paper with a good concluding paragraph. I mean, I haven't written a paper the way that girl did since I was in 9th or 10th grade. Sorry, I know I probably sound incredibly stuck up, but I'm more like appalled or shocked. I just get really picky about my papers and have to make sure everything is perfect. I guess I just assume everyone is like that. Also, I guess I forget that not everyone is as nerdy as me and they don't read books about how to write, different styles of writing, and different techniques of writing just for fun.

Ok, I'm done complaining about the quality of other people's writing. I don't even feel the slightest bit upset like I did last night. I swear I'm one of the moodiest people on the face of the earth. I can go from being ecstatically happy, to unmoved, to easily excitable and giggly, to flat out depressed and in tears, to really mellow and calm, all in one day. Maybe I'm bipolar. J/K. Now it's nap time and then it's Wednesday, Part II. At least one of my classes for today was cancelled!

Paranoia and Some More Random Stuff

I realize I have this intense paranoia that people don't like me. Even people I should consider friends who probably don't feel that way. I sometimes worry that people don't want to talk to me and only do so because I talked to them first, or that they don't want to talk to me and are doing so just to be polite and kind. Unless I consider someone one of my best friends and he or she has proven him/herself, oftentimes on more than one occasion, then I am apt to question whether or not this person really likes me. I realize this is probably irrational, but it nevertheless, that concern still lingers in the back of my mind. There are some people I fear only talk to me out of duty because of some position they are in, because they have been kind in the past and don't want to ruin that image, or because he or she is just a really nice person and talks and pretends to be interested in people when he/she is really not. I would hate to think that someone would be that fake, but I'm sure it happens. Anyway, that's what I'm thinking about right now, and it concerns more than one person. The rational part of me realizes that I'm probably making all of this up, but I still can't help but wonder.

When people deal with others in a way that is different from mine, it makes me question their real motives. I realize that some people just deal with others differently, and it just so happens that this sometimes causes me to question just how well they like me. I'm sure I'm not the only one who experiences this sort of anxiety, but it sure can be frustrating at times. I fear this is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life, but at least I can rest easy in the fact that I can distinguish the people I know I can count on from the people I'm not so sure about. That way, I'm guaranteed to always have a friend around.

In other news, I forgot to mention my fun observation. The other day when I was riding through the faculty parking garage on my way back from tutoring at the elementary schools, I couldn't help but notice some of the bumper stickers on the cars. The majority (in fact all but one or two) were advertising John Kerry. It's just an interesting observation that most of the professors, incredibly intelligent and informed people, want John Kerry to be president. That really says something about who the most intelligent choice is. Oh, and I got my absentee ballot the other day...so exciting!

But what's even more exciting is that I got my test back from my British lit class and I did so so so so so so so so well! It was better than I've ever done on any test and Denison and I was so so so so so excited. Sorry, I don't mean to brag or be vain, but I was just super excited. That's why I love my English classes so much, because they're actually fun and I actually know what I'm doing in those classes. I'm so glad I finally decided to be an English major!

Anyway, I think I'm going to shirk my history reading for the night and watch a movie with my roommate. Tomorrow is the day I get to sleep in the longest, meaning I don't have to wake up until 8:40. Woo-hoo, that's really sleeping in. Oh well, it will be good for me to get on a schedule with the rest of the world. Adios! :p

My Crazy Week

This was quite possibly the worst week ever because I was so completely overwhelmed by things to do, and to make it worse, this was a really boring weekend. I can't really pinpoint what it was that made this past week so stressful, except maybe I had more work than usual. It just seemed as though I didn't ever have time to start my homework until 8:00 at night or later. Anyway, somehow I made it through, but I have 2 papers due this coming week, so I'm not sure the future looks brighter.

I guess the biggest fiasco had to do with my long paper due in my American lit. class Friday. I started it on Monday so I wouldn't have to be up forever finishing it, but unfortunately, I still didn't finish it until about 6:15 a.m. on Friday morning. To add to that, I completely smashed my right thumb between my chair and my desk so badly that I almost cried. That inhibited my typing speed. Add to that the fact that my computer is going psycho and freezes every five seconds, and it's easy to understand why I was up all night typing. Anyway, I couldn't print the paper out because my roommate was asleep, so I had to wait until morning. That's always a bad idea because my printer is frequently unreliable. So of course it wouldn't print when I needed it to, so with five minutes to get to class, I had to e-mail my paper to myself and print it at the library. When I got to the library, I couldn't get the file to open. At that point, I was already late to class and freaking out, but luckily I finally got it to open and print and made it to class no more than five minutes late. It might not sound that bad, but it was so scary at the time.

This was my second week of going to elementary schools to tutor kids, and it should prove to be an interesting experience. I go to a 1st grade class on Tuesdays and a 2nd grade class on Wednesdays, and the kids are crazy. The teacher makes them call me Miss Reynolds, which I hate so much because it makes me sound so old. They actually asked me if it was Miss or Mrs., and I wanted to give them a crazy look and say, "You do know I'm in college, right?", but I maintained composure and cringed as I had to be referred to as Miss Reynolds. I wish they would just call me Alison, I'd really prefer it. Anyway, I haven't done much but read with some kids and help them with math facts, but it's not a bad job to have, and it's nice to take a break from campus once in a while and go out into the real world. You kind of forget about all the work and stuff you have while you're away.

To add to the crazy homework-laden week I had, this weekend was rather boring as well. Friday night, there wasn't much to do. I watched the debates and actually paid attention to them this time. However, I did fall asleep for about 20 minutes near the end, but that was understandable since I'd only slept about an hour and a half the night before. There was really nothing happening, so we just kind of chilled in people's rooms and stuff.

Tonight was really really disappointing. It was D-Day, which means that there was a big concert, and this year the performer was Ben Folds. I used to listen to Ben Folds Five a lot, especially last year, but not so much anymore. Because of that, I was a little excited, but it turned out to be really disappointing. It wasn't good concert music, and there wasn't much you could do besides mingle and use it as background music. As some people said, it was more like a "make out with your boyfriend concert" than anything else. Needless to say, it was rather boring and there wasn't much going on afterwards either. So I really didn't get to do anything too awfully fun. I have to quote Julie Hertzburg on this one (and I hope she appreciates it) when she said, "You can't miss D-Day. It's inevitable that it's going to suck, but you have to be there anyway." Honestly, Julie helped make that concert fun, even though Ben Folds was more than a little strange.

One amazing thing did happen Saturday though. We won Greek Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was so so so so so so so so awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We got first place and beat all the other sororities and fraternities on campus!!! We had the Greek Olympics, where we kicked ass, getting 1st in something like 4 of 6 events, and 2nd in another, the lip synch competition, where we didn't do so well, service day, where we had 9 people show up, and tug of war, where we placed 3rd. Overall, it was our participation that won it, because we had nearly half our chapter show up at all the events. It was seriously the best thing ever. For winning we got a big trophy that we get to keep in our house, and a contract for free buses, which means that we don't have to pay for buses for our next bar party and we can use the money for other fun things. Plus we get the privilege of telling everyone that we won and we can use it as a recruitment tool in the future. It was soooooo wonderful! Haha, we beat the DGs who thought they were going to win because their chapter is twice as big as ours. That's another thing that made our victory that much better!!!! :)

I LOVE the digital camera that I got for my birthday even though it only holds 8 or 9 pictures because it came with a very small memory card. Because I don't have access to get out and go shopping, my mom bought me a bigger memory card and is mailing it to me. I should get it next week, just in time for homecoming. However, my computer is acting all weird and won't transfer sthe pictures from my camera onto my computer. It did it perfectly fine at least 3 times, so I don't know why it won't work anymore. The screen doesn't automatically pop up anymore and I really don't know what to do to fix it. It's really frustrating and I sure hope I get that fixed pretty soon so I can organize my pictures and take more because I love taking pictures!

So I had a long, busy, and boring week (except for winning Greek Week), and it's almost already time to start another one. At least Homecoming weekend promises to be a bit more exciting, at least for now!

My Three-Day Birthday Celebration

I'm really not tired and everyone I know is either gone or asleep right now, so I guess it's the perfect time to write about how great my birthday was. It started on Thursday when Megan took me out to dinner the day before my birthday because she was going to be gone all evening Friday and all day Saturday for a volleyball game. We ate a huge meal at Red Lobster and split a desert, the biggest piece of chocolate cake I'd ever seen. It was so good and I really think I ate more in that one meal than I had eaten all week. The best part of the week came later that night. Because so many people were going to be away or hanging out with their parents Friday night, my roommate arranged a surprise party for me on Thursday night. She lured me downstairs by saying that Emily really needed to talk about something important, then when we got downstairs Nina left and said she had to go to the bathroom then disappeared and didn't come back for more than 15 minutes. Of course I never thought anything about that. A couple of the juniors that live on east quad came over to Em's room with the excuse that they'd never seen our room before and just wanted to check it out while they were in the neighborhood, and I didn't think any of that was weird either. So Nina came back and we went upstairs to show them our room, and when I opened the door, there were over twenty people standing in the room yelling "Happy Birthday!" It was amazing. Practically everyone I ever talk to was standing in my room and I was seriously dumbfounded and speechless. It took me a few seconds to realize what was going on, and when I finally did, I couldn't say anything besides "Wow!" and "This is amazing!" I was so shocked. I felt like Dorothy when she wakes up disoriented at the end of The Wizard of Oz and points at people saying, "You were there...and you...and you too!" She had rounded up all of my friends, bought balloons and banners to decorate, and had a cookie cake with candles and chips and pop. It was incredible. Everyone knew about this at least a day ahead of time, and I never had the slightest clue. I honestly have the most amazing roommate ever! Everyone sang "Happy Birthday" and I got presents and everything! It was so perfect, exactly what I had always wanted. I really can't believe it happened, and I think it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me, especially for my birthday. I was so excited that I couldn't stop smiling all night and I had trouble sleeping because I couldn't wait to see what the next day would bring.

Friday, my real birthday, wasn't too bad either. My parents surprised me by sending me a cookie cake through the dining services. It was really good, but harder to get rid of than the first one, I guess because people don't want cookie cake two days in a row. It's almost gone now though, so it's ok! Anyway, Julie wasn't on call like she originally thought, so she took me out to dinner, along with Lauren. Our breakfast club went to dinner! So fun. We ate at Ruby Tuesday because I had never been there and Julie said she really liked it. After that, we went to see the play Top Girls put on by the theater department at school. The play was very emotionally intense and emotially draining, but it was performed spectacularly by the students. I enjoyed it, but then again I really do like watching plays in general anyway.

Saturday my parents came, bringing me presents from everyone in my family. I was so excited because I got a digital camera, which I've been wanting forever! We went shopping at Target and around that area to pick up a few things I needed, then headed over to Easton. I really wanted to eat at the Cheesecake Factory because everyone says it's incredible, even though the wait takes forever. We got there and just missed eating with Nina, Emily, Brooke, Laurie, Laura, Lauren, Jenn and their families because they were all leaving right when we got there. The wait was about an hour and forty-five minutes, so I had to time to go across the street and check out Barnes & Noble :) (even though I got four books for my birthday and probably won't have time to read them until Thanksgiving break). After what seemed like forever, we got to eat, and the food was very very good, but I'm not sure I'd like to wait that long on a regular basis. Emily told me that I had to try a piece of cheesecake no matter what because it was amazing, but I couldn't eat another bite after my dinner, so I got a piece to go. I guess I'll eat it tomorrow.

So now I'm here, sitting in my room in the dark except for my desk lamp because my roommate is asleep and nearly everyone on my buddy list is gray when I really just want to go out and talk to anybody. Tomorrow brings more fun because I'm going to breakfast with my parents, then it's Bid Day. Unfortunately after that I have to go back to reality because I have a test Monday in my British lit. class :( Back to the reality of studying, class, tests, and no more parties, shopping, cake, or presents. It's all okay though because I had the best pre-birthday, birthday, and post-birthday days ever! It was so much more than I ever could have imagined, and I'm so thankful for all my friends and family who made it such a wonderful time. If the first few days are any indication, then 20 should prove to be an amazing year!

This was officially the best birthday ever! Details coming soon...