It's 4:30 in the morning and I seriously cannot sleep! The only thing on TV at this hour are those stupid, annoying infomercials with all the overly excitable people demonstrating the amazing abilities of their product and the paid actors posing as real people singing the endless praises of the incredible smoothie maker or food preserver. I've really screwed up my sleep schedule so I can't fall asleep before 5 and can't wake up before 2 P.M. Ah, summer.

Let me start out by saying how mad/sad I am that Diana lost American Idol! I really don't like Fantasia, I think she's annoying and makes ugly, stupid, annoying expressions and hoppy dancy things when she sings. She flails her arms like a wild animal and is disturbing to watch. I just want to state that I will not support this in any way and definitely do not approve. Of course I didn't get to witness the tragic news first hand, I was too busy seeing Shrek 2 with my band friends! I was soooooo excited to finally get to see it, and it was awesome! Every bit as good as the first one. I want to see it again! Anyway, while I was at Applebee's waiting for a table that night, I couldn't help but overhear some other people talking about American Idol. These girls were also rooting for Diana. They were laughing because the judges praised Fantasia for having a "unique" voice they described as sounding like Macy Gray. Then they laughed and said that was stupid because nobody likes Macy Gray! That is so true. After that one song, Macy Gray just disappeared and no one has heard from her since! No one likes her and no one should like Fantasia either! Tsk tsk, twice American Idol has disappointed me.

I recently (as in today) discovered the wonder that is the Style Network. It's a great channel that I think I could easily become addicted to so I'd better resist the temptation. I feel like such a girly girl watching it, but I don't care. It's so sophistocated, all about expensive fashion, trendy haircuts, and modern decorating tips. I love it! Sometimes I wish I could move to a big city, have a nice apartment, trendy clothes, a fun, interesting job, and live a fast-paced, fun life working by day and partying by night. I miss New York City. I was there for a week when I was 16 and have wanted to go back and visit ever since. It's so bustling and busy. All you have to do is walk down a street in Manhattan and you're bound to see something interesting. I have to get out of the country!!! I've already decided that if I go to grad school it's going to be somewhere big and far away from home! Somewhere exciting, fun, and interesting where I could have all kinds of adventures and stories to tell everyone back home!

American Idol ends tomorrow! I really hope that Diana wins. Fantasia may be a better singer, but I like Diana's personality and the ways she sings much better. I would buy an album from Diana long before I would buy one from Fantasia. In fact, I would probably never buy an album from Fantasia because I don't like the way she sings. My mom already voted for Diana 3 times, so I should probably vote too. I'm excited to see who wins!

I still don't have a job even though I applied at five different places in the mall. I'll probably end up having to work at Smith's again. Yuck! I can't believe it's not even June. Usually my summer doesn't even start until then, and I feel like I've been home forever. Haha, my mom still has to teach until mid June! At least the days aren't dragging by as much as they were when I first got here. But it still feels like I've been here months when it's really only been two weeks. It's worse than the first week of classes in college!

I realize I've been writing long, mundane posts that are so boring I don't even want to read them, so from now on I'm trying to make it short and sweet. Today was tons of fun. Andrea and I went out for awhile, but mostly just talked forever and ever about all kinds of random stuff. Of course that's what we usually do everytime we're together anyway! Oh, and we danced in the middle of the music section of Target for awhile. Well, we're making several sketchy plans for the summer, stuff I'm not elaborating on. I bought the new New Found Glory CD today. I'm so proud of myself because I usually don't buy CDs, I just download the music. It was only $10, so I figured I'd go ahead and splurge (j/k). I'm glad I bought it too, because I am seriously loving their single "All Downhill from Here". Yay! I love buying good CDs!

I just checked my grades online and I'm super happy because I did so much better than I thought I did! I was so concerned for no reason! Yay! I did better than first semester! :)

Tomorrow I'm going to the mall to try and find a job. Ick, I hate filling out applications. I'm also going to the Civic Center early to buy tickets to the Clay concert. So exciting!

Yay! I'm so excited! I went to the VIP concert tonight and it was so much fun! Bethany and Jessica H. were there, so we got to sit together and reminisce about our show choir days. They were so good even though the dresses for the competition show were really ugly. After the concert, I went around and talked to every still in VIPs. Everyone ran and hugged me and said how great I looked because I'd lost so much weight and how much they missed all the seniors from last year. Haha, now I smell like a mixture of all sorts of different perfumes and colognes from hugging so many different people. My protege, Jessica C. came over and hugged me. She said she still had the stuffed whale, that she aptly named Alto, that I willed her last year. Yay, I feel so proud to have given the altos a fun mascot for years to come since she can will it to someone when she is a senior. I miss her, especially after the really touching letter she wrote and read about me at the VIP senior banquet last year. It's times like those that I really miss show choir. We really were like a family, we spent so much time together, practiced like mad together, laughed together, cried together, won together, lost together, and had so much fun doing all of it. No wonder everyone thought we were a cult. It was like a VIP class of 2003 reunion with us three girls and Ryan and Brian, who is recording a CD with some people. I swear he'll be a famous singer someday, then I can go on one of those shows where they talk about knowing people before they were famous and be like "Yeah, I was in choir with him!". Anyway, it was so awesome seeing everyone and having them so happy to see me. Oh show choir, how I love and hate you at the same time! I think I'm loving it more now :)

And there's more fabulous news! Clay Aiken is coming to Charleston for a concert in July, but tickets go on sale Saturday. I just remembered that Jessica H. was also a crazy Clay fan with me, so we are definitely going to the concert! Yay!!!! I hope I get good tickets! I'm so glad I found someone else to go, it'll be great!!!!! I'm so glad that my friends haven't forgotten about me and that they want to hang out this summer. We're already working on making plans to get together. Except Lisa :( I think she dropped off the face of the earth. No one has talked to her in nearly half a year. We'll have to track her down!

Poor Jessica H.! I think her college is more in the middle of nowhere than Denison. She goes to Berea College in Kentucky, but she said they call it Ber-hella because there's absolutely nothing there except a Walmart a mile and a half away. But it's worse because they aren't allowed to have cars unless they live more than 8 hours from home, have a physical disability, or are a senior. That's so horrible! They don't even have sororities or fraternities, so she says all they do is walk to Walmart and hang out. That would really suck.

And did I mention how weird it is to be back at high school, especially the theater and fine arts area where I pretty much lived every moment last year when I wasn't in class and until 4:30 or 5:00 every evening. Brings back lots of memories (tear)! I definitely don't miss the flickering lights and annoying buzzing noise in the cafeteria. I had to crack up when I walked through the it and saw the big red electronic sign that says "Capital High School - Where everybody is somebody!" I think that's still hilarious. I really think I should have been more social and talked more to more people in high school. I could've made it fun if I'd tried. I was just too mopey, whiny, and worried about everything. I'm sure glad I'm over that! Oh well, I still need to go back and pick up my yearbook from last year. I guess I should do that next week, or else I may never get it.

Yay! I'm so happy that this summer will be fun after all! :)

Well, my room is still in chaos, but I went out and bought the behemoth of all storage containers today so I can continue phase one: cleaning out my closet (shudder). It's such a mess, but I'm clearing the whole thing out, something that hasn't been done in years! I'm bored and sick of being alone in the house all day. Actually I should probably try to find a job. I'll get around to it soon.

I went to the band concert tonight at my high school. It was so weird to be back, and all I could think was "thank God I'm out of high school!". It wasn't so bad being there and not being a student. It was kind of empowering, like I conquered some huge, dominating force in my life and I will never suffer under it's looming presence ever again. I'm infinitely glad high school is over, I can't say that enough. Anyway, the concert was so good and it was great to see everyone again. I'm not gonna lie, I was happy to see that the first chair flute player didn't have any solos, since I had five last year. I was so competitive and had to make sure it was generally known that I was the best. After graduation, I realized how silly this was and am glad it's over. I think I was happiest to see Rachel again. She was my best band friend and my link to everyone else. And of course Kelli, even though she's only a junior. But I don't think age matters, it's more just who you get along with the best. It was just kind of weird being there because they've been through another year of high school without me. I've missed out on so much and don't know if it will be weird if I hang out with them this summer because I've been through college and they haven't started yet. I know Rachel will always call me, but I don't think it'll be the same anymore. We don't have the whole band thing in common anymore and it's kind of like they think I've grown and moved on. I'm sure it'll be ok, it'll just be strange at their graduation. I guess I should've made more friends in my own grade, but all most of them did was get drunk and high all the time, and I just wasn't into that. Summer is boring, but it's only been a week, so I shouldn't judge yet.

The VIP final concert is Thursday. I think I'll call Bethany and Lisa and see if they want to go. I wonder if Lisa and Adam are still dating even though they go to college in different states. I hope so. They were so cute and everyone was so jealous of them. That's one of my goals this summer, to call Lisa. We were both unsocial workaholics in high school and it would be nice to actually do something fun together for once. Oh well, I didn't like show choir as much as band anyway. I talked to some boy from VIPs tonight and I feel so bad because I can't remember his name. He was only a freshman last year, but he remembered me. I'm usually so good with names, but I really can't remember! Anyway, he said they weren't very good this year and didn't win any first places. Haha, at least we got to win a bunch last year! I really need to get out more, or else this summer will be torture. Oh well, being by myself gives me plenty of opportunities to blast music and dance really stupid around the house! Hehe, I'm such a nerd. Uh-oh, I've reverted to downloading random songs I've never heard before for fun. I definitely need to get out.

It's difficult to write in this daily, mostly because I still haven't put my computer up in my room and because I'm just too lazy to do it everyday. Ah, the laziness of summer. I've done nothing but lay out in the sun, exercise, and watch movies all week, and it's been wonderful. Still no attempt at finding a job, but that will come later in the week. Hopefully I'll be able to work somewhere in the mall, like a clothing store or something. Yeah employee discount! Well for now, I'm catching up on all the movies I didn't get to see during the school year since I never rented movies. I think I've watched nearly 10 movies, 3 of which I saw today. I watched Sylvia, based on the life of the poet Sylvia Plath. It was somewhat disappointing. I admire Sylvia Plath as a writer, although she was very mentally and emotionally unstable. I felt that the movie focused too much on her tumultuous relationship with her husband and not on her writing accomplishments. Only once was her fantastic novel The Bell Jar mentioned, and that was only when it was very briefly mentioned that she was writing a book. Overall, the movie made it sound like her husband was a fabulous poet and she was just hiding in his shadow, constantly paranoid that he was having an affair. While it was a fairly accurate portrayal of her life, it could have spent more time discussing how she really was a great poet, despite what she may have felt at the time. After all, her collected poems have won a Pulitzer Prize. I think Sylvia Plath was a brilliant writer and poet, and it makes me sick to think that by the time she was 19, she was going to Wellesley College, an all women's school that was considered Ivy League back in the 1950s, had won an internship for a famous fashion magazine in New York, and had already had several poems and short stories published in magazines. Yet she lived most of her life thinking she couldn't write well. I know that I'll probably never accomplish half of what Sylvia Plath accomplished by the time she was 19 in my entire life. Perhaps mental instability is the price you pay for having such a brilliant mind. It's so sad that she finally succeeded in killing herself just before her most famous and most widely praised book of poetry was published. Oh well, I still admire her work even if she did have such a tragic demise.

After that, I saw the movie 13 Going on 30 at the theater. It was the perfect feel good movie after the somewhat depressing Sylvia. Sometimes it's just really nice to watch a happy movie where everything turns out perfectly in the end, even if it is very unrealistic. It's also pretty cool that Jennifer Garner grew up in practically the same area that I did. She went to my rival high school and was a band and theater geek (kinda like me...hehe). Plus she went to Denison! I actually talked about Denison with a lady at a college fair that was Jennifer Garner's high school and college friend. Pretty neat I guess. I suppose that's as close as I'll ever be to a famous person. It's just so funny that it's on the local news when she comes home to visit her parents. I think she graduated the year I started kindergarten, so it's not like I would've known her anyway. It's just nice to know that someone from West Virginia really can do big things.

The other movie I watched today was Gothika. I was really in the mood for something kind of creepy, and it really fit the bill. I thought the whole movie was just plain weird from start to finish, but I liked it. It was a lot better than the other suspense movie I watched, Cold Creek Manor. That movie was nothing but classic suspense movie cliches: creepy old house with all the furniture and stuff left in it, sketchy guy that hangs around the house all the time, mysterious deaths and disappearances, domestic abuse, cheesy use of foreshadowing for creepy things in the future, insane serial killer guy chasing the lead characters with the gruesome weapon playfully discussed throughout the entire film, and of course who could forget the "coincidental" thunderstorms, power outages, and disconnected phone lines right when the crazy guy enters the picture. Yeah, that movie was boring and I laughed most of the way through it. Gothika was sooooo much better and even made me jump in a couple of places.

After that, Mom and I were watching TV and happened to catch the WVU marching band performing at the Majorette Festival back in September. It made me feel kind of sad and nostalgic and set my mind into a frenzy wondering if I made the right decisions. I could have been there with Amanda, Nathan, and Jonathan and had my name announced over the loudspeaker at Laidley Field as a member of the amazing 300 piece band. I could've spent New Year's in Florida for the Gator Bowl, and traveled all across the Eastern United States for football games. That was my road not taken, the easy way out, or so I thought. I could've gone to WVU with the majority of my graduating class. Actually, I didn't go because most of them I didn't want to see ever again. Then again, what are my odds of actually running into them by accident at a school of at least 25,000? But I would've been there with Lisa, and since we were both going to be in the honors program, we probably would've lived in the same dorm, the nice dorm reserved for honors students. I wouldn't have had to go through all the awkwardness of being somewhere far away completely alone and instead would've had some of my best friends from high school right there with me. Plus this coming fall, the rest of my friends will be at WVU, probably all in the band, and we could've had a blast together. I think my mom was concerned because yesterday I said that I wondered if it would make any big difference in my life whether I went to Denison or WVU. I mean, my family is spending so much money to send me to Denison when I could've gone to WVU for virtually nothing. It's not that I don't like Denison. It's fine and I'm sure it'll get better every year, I just wonder if it was really a big deal. I wanted so badly to get out of the state that I really didn't consider WVU as an option, despite everyone, including my parents, counselor, and friends, telling me that it was the more logical choice. It's kind of late to change my mind now, but I'll always wonder what would've happened if I had gone to WVU. It's sort of like the same choice I made in high school of whether to go to Hoover or Capital. Now my mom tells me that it probably wouldn't have made a difference in what high school I went to either, but at the time, it seemed like a life or death decision. To this day, I feel tension around people from Hoover, like they've permanently labeled me a traitor for leaving them and going to the city school that they think is stuck up and not better than them when it is really a million times better. I still think I made the right decision about high school, but with college, there is a lot more on the line. There is the money and the time spent traveling, plus it just has a bigger impact on your life. I'm not going to change my mind, I guess I just don't feel completely confident in my decision. I'm sure as college continues, I will have no more concerns, or at least they will be less frequent. Sometimes I wish life were like a choose your own adventure book where you could peek ahead and see what the outcome of your choices would be before you made them. I suppose that would be considered cheating and would take all the excitement and spontaneity out of life, but it sure would make it a hell of a lot easier. Every decision branches out into a new and different direction, leading us to all sorts of unexplored roads. It seems as though I took the road less traveled by, and hopefully that will make all the difference.

Yay! I'm home! I wasn't sure how I felt about it for a long time. I was really psyched after my philosophy final, then I started packing again and it started raining and I got really sad. Then I was really upset about leaving until dinner, then the rest of the ride back home I decided I was happy. That was, until I walked in my house and discovered that there were Christmas decorations stored in my bedroom, along with all my college stuff, giving me about a square foot and a little path to my door of visible carpet space. Yeah, I was kinda bipolar there for awhile. Actually, during my 3 1/2 hour ride home, I decided that I really need summer. I was getting really frazzled, having no fun, and just being really BO-RING! I was also uber-stressed and blah. I definitely need some time to chill and relax and not be so ARGH about everything!

So what did I do today? Well, I slept late, ignored the pile of suitcases and boxes in my room, grabbed a blanket and a book, and layed out in the sun on my deck for awhile. Then I had a nice workout and rented some movies. Yep, I'm thinking I can definitely handle this summer thing :)

From John Stuart Mill's Utilitarianism:

"Capacity for the nobler feelings is in most natures a very tender plant, easily killed, not only by hostile influences, but by mere want of substance; and in the majority of young persons it speedily dies away if the occupations to which their position in life has devoted them, and the society into which it has thrown them, are not favorable to keeping that higher capacity in exercise. Men lose their high aspirations as they lose their intellectual tastes, because they have not time or opportunity for indulging them; and they addict themselves to inferior pleasures, not because they deliberately prefer them, but because they are either the only ones to which they have access, or the only ones which they are any longer capable of enjoying."

Hmmm...is it just me, or does this sound like the majority of college students?

Hmmm...well today was pretty uninteresting. I read some more of Sense and Sensibility this morning. Yes, I am aware that it is probably the literary equivalent of Dirty Dancing or some other classic chick flick, but I don't care. I want to read it anyway. Plus it's the only non-school related book I have here.

My Internet and Instant Messenger were unavailable for most of the day, so that meant no procrastinating :( I actually had to start studying for my philosophy final. For some weird reason, I ended up listening to New Found Glory for much of the day. I don't know why, I haven't listened to them in ages. I just felt like it today. They sing a cover of the theme song from the movie The Neverending Story that's pretty fun. I love that movie, it was one of those defining things that you remember about your childhood. I watched that movie dozens of times from when I was 5 until maybe 10 or 11. I loved it so much! I always wanted to find a strange, magical book and get trapped in the excessively freaky attic of my school (even though my school didn't have an attic) and ride on a fluffy dragon that looked like a giant dog with wings.

So just for fun, I've been reading some random people's blogs. It's so funny to read what other people write. One guy was writing about how he had an STD and was itching in certain places (haha), some lady wrote about how she despised her ex-husband, her husband's ex-wife, and her stepchildren (very crazy), and another guy was writing about how he and his wife had been divorced and remarried, but he wanted to have an affair and didn't understand how he should be expected to stay married to the same person for 30 years. Interesting. I love reading about other people's personal experiences. I guess I'm either really nosy or maybe searching for some real life drama. Some blogs are boring, all they have are news articles or pictures from the Internet, but some of them are very interesting. I found a couple that I really enjoyed reading. Yeah, now I really sound like a nerd, writing about how I like to read about the personal experiences of random people from the Internet. Whatever :) Anyway, I found this on someone's blog and thought it was neat, so I'm going to fill it out myself!

15 Years Ago, I:
1. was 4 years old
2. went to preschool at my grandma's church
3. was obsessed with Bernstein Bears books
4. loved watching Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers
5. loved eating Spaghetti-O's with meatballs

10 Years Ago, I:
1. was 9 years old
2. went to Dollywood with my family
3. was in a clique of girls who started a selective secret club
4. was in girl scouts
5. was on a swim team

5 Years Ago, I:
1. was 14
2. was voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in the 8th grade superlatives (whoo-hoo...)
3. was absolutely crazy all the time with my 3 best friends!
4. had a blast on the 8th grade trip to Williamsburg, VA
5. was obsessed with the music group Hanson (Ick! I try to forget those days!)

3 Years Ago, I:
1. was 16
2. had a boyfriend
3. transferred to a different high school away from all my friends
4. quit taking dance lessons
5. realized that my hair was naturally curly

1 Year Ago, I:
1. was 18
2. was in about 10 clubs and extra-curricular things
3. graduated from high school
4. was freaking out over where I was going to go to college (and about just making it through to graduation...can we say senioritis?)
5. went to Disneyworld for the first time, twice in the same month!

Yesterday, I:
1. packed up most of my room
2. went to Applebee's for lunch
3. read Sense and Sensibility
4. saw my parents for the first time in a month
5. read the questions for my philosophy final and freaked out about how much I'm going to have to study (which I'm obviously not doing now...)

Today, I:
1. slept until 12:30
2. ate lunch at 2:15
3. played Hexic online for way too long
4. studied for my philosophy final
5. finally actually realized that I'll be home for a very long time in 2 days

Tomorrow, I:
1. am going to study hardcore for my philosophy final
2. will be spending my last night in this dorm room :(
3. will probably be somewhat bored
4. will hopefully wake up by 10:00
5. will be very anxious to get my philosophy final over with and very excited to be going home!

Well, I think I'll put this on my profile. I gave the address to Megan so she could "track my life" (as she put it) over the summer. If one person is going to read it, I might as well let everyone read it. Plus it'll be summer and I'll rarely be online, so no one will have a link. I wish more people knew me better anyway. Now watch me change my mind first thing when I wake up in the morning.

My parents came today and took most of the stuff out of my room. It was pretty sad watching everything in my room disappear, and now it's even sadder because the only things left in my room are my computer and printer, enough clothes to get by for the next few days, and a couple of lamps. The hardest part was watching my parents leave and not being able to go with them. I wish I didn't have a stupid final Tuesday, then I wouldn't have to be here by myself for so long. Only 3 more days! Actually I'm really going to miss some people from Denison. I think the thing I'm worried about the most is that during the summer I will lose contact with some of the friends I've made, then I'll come back next semester and never see them or talk to them again. I don't want to lose any of the friendships I've made here and I know how easy it is for people to fall apart if no one makes an effort to keep in contact. I know that's what has happened with some of my high school friends. So everyone from Denison had better talk to me next year! ;)

We had a cookout at the Kappa house last night. It was pretty predictable and everyone was kind of in a blah mood because we had to stay here another weekend for finals. Well, at least the people I talked to kind of wished they were going home. Plus everyone was dead tired from cramming for finals.

So, at dinner tonight (no Curtis food for 4 nights in a row!) my dad called me a social recluse. Taken out of context, that sounds very bad. Let me elaborate. Once again, my parents were pressuring me about where I was going to get a job this summer. For the thousandth time, I explained to them that I would never work at Smith's Foodfair again as long as I live. The people who work there are either still in high school (not the one I went to) or they are really old and never went to college. So basically, I have nothing to talk with them about, since college is pretty much my life now. They finally gave up on trying to get me to talk, so they would all gather in a corner somewhere and talk while I stood by myself and read magazines or jotted notes on receipt paper. Obviously this made me feel like a big loser since I was always left out of most of the conversations. So after explaining this to my parents, my dad's exact comment was "You're just like me, you're a social recluse." Then he said he didn't know what I was like around my friends, he only meant that about the way I acted at work. Still, I don't see myself as being socially reclusive. I know I don't open up and don't talk as much as some people, but I talk to who I want to talk to and when I have something to say, I say it. If that's socially reclusive, so be it.

I had a dream last night that I was back in All-State Band with all my All-State high school friends, only for some reason, there were several Denison people there as well. In my dream I was soooooo excited to be able to play my flute again and so excited to see my All-State friends [cause we had so much fun on the trips, trashing the boys' hotel room ;)], but I was also happy to see so many Denison people around. It was very weird/interesting. Perhaps it was my brain's way of meshing my happiest moments from high school with my most recent moments from college. Or maybe it was a sign that I should audition for the wind ensemble next year, something I've been contemplating on and off all year.

I miss having people to be goofy with, but fear that they will not even be there for me when I get home.

There are so many ants in my room! They are really starting to piss me off. They already got into most of my food, forcing me to throw all of it away! What more do they want from me? They'll pass by on my desk every now and then and I keep killing ants over and over again! I have no more food! I cleaned my desk drawers out and packed it all away! What do they want? I feel something on my arm and look down, and there's a freaking ant crawling on it. There was one on my blanket a while ago. Why can't they just leave me alone!!! It's so annoying! Oh well, at least I only have 3 more days!

Did you know there's a song called "Hello Alison"? It's not really a great song, but I love the chorus when they sing "Hello Alison, I wanna hold your hand, I haven't been the same man since I saw you comin' in, let's have a toast to the girl in aisle ten" It's so fun to hear your name in such a fun song!

My philosophy professor finally e-mailed the questions for the final. It's going to be so hard, seeing as how I don't even know half the stuff one of the questions asks. Oh well, I suppose I have plenty of time to study.

Why is it that no matter what you do or how you act, no matter how old you are, and no matter how hard you work to get past your insecurities, just being around some types of people can always make you feel uncomfortable and inferior? ARGH!!!

Well, my roommate left about an hour ago, that means no tv, movies, anything, only me and my computer. I have yet to receive the questions for my philosophy final from my professor, who was supposed to send them through e-mail, so it's fairly pointless for me to begin studying when I have no idea what to study. In other words, I'm all alone for the next four days with nothing but my music and my computer, and lots of alone time means lots of reflection about my own life, which leads to lots of writing.

So here I sit, half my room empty and bare, the other half beginning to look sparse from my own packing for when my parents get here tomorrow. No matter what I do, the same memories keep running over and over again through my head. Let us rewind to nearly a year ago at June-O. I enter my empty room (also in Curtis East), much like the way it looks now and sit down at a desk. Of course all I have is an overnight bag with some clothes. No books, I left those in the car. My cell phone won't work in the room, so I can't call anyone, not even my parents in the nearby hotel, who I desperately want to talk to. I am absolutely TERRIFIED of everything having to do with college and bored out of my mind. So what do I do? I dig around in my bag until I find a scrap piece of paper and a pen and I begin to write. I remember sitting at that empty desk staring around at those bare, ugly, off-white walls, wondering what I was doing there. I wondered what would happen to me, who I would meet, whether or not I would fit in, but above all else, I just wanted to leave. I tried to find someone to talk to, knowing I would have to suck it up and randomly talk to strange people, but alas, there was no one anywhere on the floor, at least not that I could see. I had yet to meet the girl I was supposed to be rooming with and hadn't spoken a word to anyone in my June-O group. I felt miserable and didn't think I'd ever meet anyone that I would like. I remember one of the girls in my June-O group who was so friendly and so bubbly that I thought I could never get along with someone like her. She was just too outgoing and would always be surrounded by people and never have any reason to pay attention to me. She would never have trouble fitting in. However, what I remember most of all was sitting at that empty desk, no people, no books, nothing at all around me except the sounds of laughter and excited voices coming from the open window next to me. All I could do was wonder if that was what my college experience would be like. I was so afraid of being stuck alone in that small empty room with a virtually nonexistent roommate while everyone around me experienced laughter and excitement. I was so full of anxiety and worry, wondering why I had decided to go so far away all alone, and just wanting to be home, away from all the confusion and uncertainty.

Fast forward to now, basically finished with my freshman year of college (only one more final 3 days from now). I sit in awe of what has happened to me in the past year. I feel as though it has been recorded on a tape that I can rewind, pause, and look at one still frame at a time. I can sit here, and month by month pick out exactly what I was thinking and feeling and remember distinct images, even things as mundane as sitting in an economics class. I could go on forever about what has happened to me in the past year, things most people know, things only a few people know, and things that no one in the world except me knows about. But I'm not going to do that. I feel as though I could write a book based on all the experiences and changes that have happened to me. However, these experiences are probably not unique; I'm sure everyone who makes it through their freshman year of college has these similar experiences. However, it's strange, ironic, and somewhat humorous how things turned out. It just so happens that the girl in my June-O group that I thought I'd never get along with is now in my sorority and one of my very good friends. She's living on west quad next year, so we'll be hanging out a lot. And just for the record, she was terrified at June-O as well and did not feel the least bit bubbly that day. The girl I roomed with at June-O is living in Curtis East next year and everytime I see her we stop and talk about how much fun we're going to have here next year. Most importantly, my roommate from this year turned out to be more than just a roommate; she became an amazing friend. So the bottom line is that things turn out in ways you would never expect. I was so worried, so terrified that I would have a horrible roommate, that everyone here would be completely different from me, and that I would never ever have anyone to talk to. So, just like Aesop, we will now have the moral of the story: don't spend so much time worrying over things that you cannot completely control. You can never predict how things will turn out, and most likely they will turn out in wonderful ways that you never expected. Often, as hard as it may be, you just have to give things time and they will miraculously work themselves out. Worrying over things when there is nothing you can immediately do to fix them only causes stress, sadness, and frustration. (My advice to myself for the day)

Overall, my first year of college was a very memorable experience. The beginning was rough, and I reached some of the highest highs and lowest lows of my life, but it was definitely an eye-opening experience. I've survived and made it through a rough transitional stage of my life. Now I can't wait to see what next year brings.

I just finished my Spanish final, and pretty positive I got an A!!! I'm so excited! I've never done that well on a Spanish test before, so I'm really excited! I am a little sad that Spanish is over though. I was just starting to like it because I had an awesome professor, but I don't have enough room in my schedule to take enough Spanish to minor since I think I'm going to double major in history and English. I sold my Spanish book right after class and I only got $7 for it! That was really disappointing because I wasn't sure I wanted to part with it, especially for $7! That's hardly anything. I figured I still had my workbooks, dictionary, verb dictionary, and textbook from last semester if I want it. The workbooks actually have better grammatical stuff anyway. So I guess that's the end of Spanish, a short era of my life.

My roommate is leaving today and that makes me very sad :( I hate sleeping in the room alone. Usually when she's gone, I put the tv on sleep, but she's taking the tv, refrigerator, and fan with her. So it'll be unbearably hot in here next week when it reaches 80 degrees. Oh well, I'll survive. Still, it's four nights alone. I'll really miss her next year. I'm sure I'll get along with my new roommate just as well, but we had so much fun together this year, and she knows me better than anyone else on campus. It'll take me awhile to adjust to living with someone different next year. I don't adjust well to change, I've found that out over the years. When things are going well I like to keep them that way. But change is a constant part of life so I just have to get used to it. I don't think I'll ever get used to it, but I can deal.

I'm not sure whether or not I want to put this on my profile. I actually put it on right before I went to sleep, then changed my mind and took it off first thing when I woke up. I'm still not sure what I want to do. Oh well, summer is coming and I'll rarely be online, so no one will have the address anyway and I can write whatever I want! Sometimes I feel sort of restricted on what I write in case someone potentially would ever read it. Oh well.

Yesterday was a lot of fun. I went with Megan and Dana to Subway for dinner (no Curtis food two nights in a row!), then we went to this coffee shop in Granville that I never knew existed and studied for awhile. I drank a Milky Way latte - a latte with chocolate, caramel, and vanilla - it was AMAZING!! I hate plain coffee, but I love coffee or espresso mixed with other things. I just love the atmosphere of coffee houses, so cozy and comfortable. I hope Andrea and I hang out at coffee shops again like we did over Christmas break. She's been more into the club scene recently, so it should be interesting to see what happens this summer.

Oh well...helping my roommate pack. Sigh.

I'm really bored. And you know what that means! Lots of random dronings posted on this blog. I have no finals tomorrow and don't feel like studying for my final Friday, and everyone else is busy studying, or so it seems. I guess I don't really have much to write about either. I tend to write really long postings that don't really pertain to anything at all. I suppose it doesn't matter though, it gives me something to do. Well, five of us went out for dinner today. We ended up going to Victoria's Parlor because the wait at Brew's was 45 minutes. I'd never been there before, but it was pretty good. Later, my roommate and I went to Slayter where they had food for the freshmen. The only reason we went there was to get the free t-shirts they advertised, but we ended up having to wait at least 30 minutes before they brought them out. Oh well, at least I have another Denison t-shirt! Actually, just being there made my roommate and I realize just how few people we know from our class. And also how awkward we feel in social situations involving large groups of people. I suppose that's another reason we're staying in the bubble of Curtis East again next year.

I've been thinking, and I think I think too much. Actually, I know I think too much. I overanalyze everything, and if I can't come to a conclusion that suits me and gets me to stop thinking, then I enlist the help of someone else and try to reach an agreeable consensus. Only one that suits me, calms my worries, and stops my overanalyzation, of course. Obviously, no matter how much I may try to convince myself that what I'm worried about and overanalyzing will be okay, I still remain restless and unsettled until I know something for sure or become reassured straight from the source. Understandably, this does not happen very often and most people I talk to are so unfamiliar with the thing I'm so concerned with that they are practically useless in calming my anxieties. So I must trudge on, spending so many unoccupied moments concerning myself with things I needn't worry about, sometimes to the point of reaching an inner turmoil that is difficult to vanquish. Of course I get over it eventually and realize I was an idiot to waste so many valuable moments ruminating over such a trifle, insignificant thing. However this seems to be a never-ending cycle in my life that will not allow me to escape. I suppose I just need to look to the future rather than try to deceipher the present.

I think I sort of want to go home now. I've been stuck in the middle, not really caring where I go, only knowing that for the next 3 years the time of year and the season pretty much dictate my life. When it's summer, I go home, fall I come to Ohio, Thanksgiving home, back to Ohio, Christmas home, back to Ohio...you know the drill. So why should I even care what I do when I don't really have a choice in the matter? I should just go along with it because having an opinion either way is only going to make me miserable, wishing I could be somewhere when the decision is clearly not mine. But at times I miss looking out of the window and seeing tree-covered hills rolling gracefully across the skyline. When I look out the window here, in this place Ohioans call "hilly", I see nothing but sky, leading to bulidings, leading to a few tall trees, leading to even more sky. At home, the sky is hidden beneath the rolling mountains that tower from all viewpoints. It wasn't until I left home that I realized just how prominent these hills actually are and just how empty the skies look without them. Ironically, it was always the hills that I hated. They always made me feel trapped, like I couldn't escape and was doomed to live my life surrounded by them. They acted as prison walls, trapping me inside, never allowing me to see the rest of the world. I was so afraid of being stuck there for the rest of my life like so many people are. They stay in the same town and same neighborhood and rarely see anything outside of the hills. I've always felt the need to escape and to see as much of the world as I possibly could. I know Ohio isn't very far away, but it's a start that will hopefully lead me to even bigger and better places. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm just a small town girl who wants to escape and see the world and not be trapped in the same place her entire life. But even I could never deny that there is something magical, beautiful, or even poetic hidden away in those hills. Whether set on fire by the radiant reds, oranges, and yellows of the fall, painted in a delicate layer of white in the winter, blossoming in pale greens and pinks in the spring, or shining proudly, vibrant and green, in the summer sun, the hills of West Virginia are filled with an unsurpassable natural beauty that at times I sincerely miss.

In honor of my sudden appreciation for the hills of West Virginia, I have put together a small photo album of the area where I live right here.

I actually stole all the pictures from someone else on the Webshots website, but that's okay, they'll probably never know. They make me very nostalgic and excited about going home, which I suppose is an okay thing at this point in the school year.

I'm so happy I'm finally finished with calculus forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D Never mind the fact that I probably did very badly on the test and will now most likely get a bad grade in the class, I'm just glad that I never have to sit through that class ever again! However that bad grade could potentially be detrimental to my GPA, but I think I should be ok. It all depends on what grades I get in philosophy and Spanish. I really don't think he's going to make the Spanish final too hard, so as long as I study all the different verbs tenses A LOT, I'll be fine. I can read and write Spanish ok, it's just the speaking part that I have trouble with. That and remembering all the different verb tenses and when to use them. Foreign languages are so complicated. I think it would be neat to be fluent in another language, but feel as though it may be somewhat of a waste because I would hardly use it, perhaps only if I traveled to Europe, which I doubt will ever happen, only unless I was like 50, and I would have forgotten it by then anyway.

So, after finishing my final, I realized that I have yet to take a class at Denison that I actually wanted to take. Everything has been a GE (encouraged/practically forced upon me by my advisor) or it has been a class that I had to take because everything I wanted was full. And next semester is looking to be the same way since I only got into one class I wanted. At least the other classes I'm signed up for seem like they would be interesting, unlike everything I had this semester. I'm actually looking forward to having all English and history classes since I tend to get better grades in writing classes, even though I know I'll be suffocated with hours of reading and writing papers. But that's ok, I'd rather write papers than suffer through hours and hours of math problems and still do badly on a test.

I'm going out for dinner with some people from my pledge class tonight to either Brew's or Subway, so that's exciting! Anything other than Curtis food is a welcome change! It should be fun because I haven't seen many of these people for a couple of weeks, and it will be the last time I see them before I go home for the summer. Tonight at Slayter there is also a pizza thing for the Class of 2007, and the first few people there get free t-shirts, so you know my roommate and I are going to be there standing in line to get in. We are all about the free t-shirts! I'm also super happy that I don't have any finals tomorrow, so I can go to bed early and sleep a long time to make up for only sleeping 3 hours last night. It's also nice because my brain is fried and my head hurts from doing so many math problems, so I'm looking forward to doing nothing tonight...maybe watching some tv or a movie :) Only 6 more days at Denison, then I'm back home again!

What I did instead of studying for my calculus final:

"?? Which Season Are You ??" - Results:


You're Most Like The Season Autumn ...

You're warm, and the most approachable. You have
that gentle prescence about you. People can
relate to you, and find you easy company.
However it's likely you've been hurt in the
past and it has left you scarred so things can
become rather chilly with you at times. Being
the third Season in, you're mature, trustworthy
and loyal to your friends but prone to
depression and negative thinking.

Well done... You're the shy and sensitive season :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


"?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??" - Results:

Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


"?? Which Precious Gem Are You ??" - Results:

! You are most like An Emerald !
Caring, giving, - and very emotional. You're the
person
people turn to with a problem. You worry about
everybody,
and genuinely want to help - a little too much
sometimes.
As an emerald, you tend to take a more backseat to
the other
gems, but your inner beauty soon captivates those
who take
the time to get to know you.
Congratulations ... You're the selfless gem
everybody needs as a friend.


?? Which Precious Gem Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


"?? Which Creature Of The Sea Are You??" - Results:


Seahorse


?? Which Creature Of The Sea Are You??
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm...there seems to be a trend here that says I am a caring friend, but tend to be quiet and take the backseat around others. I wonder how accurate these goofy tests are. I know I'm a pretty quiet and reserved person, but is that such a bad thing? Sometimes I think it is.

I finally finished my FYS paper! It took me long enough! It was actually pretty interesting though. Basically, I found out that stereotypes in movies and television for Latin Americans haven't really changed much in the past sixty years. That's kind of sad since all you hear about anymore is the growing diversity in America and how we should be more accepting of people from different cultures. I can't help but laugh now because every time I see someone from an ethnic group portrayed a certain way on television, especially Latinos, I can't help but identify the stereotype and all the characteristics that go with it. See how research papers scar you! I'll never be able to look at movies the same way again. Actually, I talked with my FYS professor about it, and she seems to think that the media shapes our culture rather than our culture shaping the media, and after finishing my paper, I see that she has a point. If television continuously portrays something in a certain way, then eventually we are bound to believe it is true because we see it so frequently and assume that everyone else is the same way. That sounds a little too much like my bizarre AP English teacher with the "Kill your TV!" stickers all over her classroom. Almost, but not quite; my FYS professor isn't that strange...she still watches television.

Anyway, today was the last day of classes, so I suppose I should have been either happy or sad, but I think the word that best describes the way I was feeling is "indifferent". I honestly didn't care either way. I walked out of calculus thinking "that's it?". I don't know what I was expecting, I guess I just thought it would've been a bigger relief or something. I suppose that won't come until finals are over. I was really out of it this morning though. I woke up late and walked around in a daze until I took a nap at 1:30. Perhaps that is why I didn't really care if my classes were over or not...I just wanted to sleep. Tomorrow (or actually today) promises to be one of the most stressful days of my life. I have SO much math to study, along with editing my entire paper and most likely rewriting the introduction and conclusion, which are both pretty awful right now. Oddly enough, I'm not feeling very stressed which is a very good thing! Even more surprisingly, I'm indifferent about school ending. I'm not particularly excited about summer, but I'm not begging to stay here either. Summers are usually just times for me to get incredibly lazy and semi-reclusive. Every summer, I make a list of goals for myself and inevitably, hardly any of them get accomplished. I seem to be more goal-oriented this year though, so maybe I will actually accomplish something constructive.

Random Thoughts
If I could, I would learn how to speak Italian. No particular reason. Well, maybe because it sounds so bouncy. It would be fun to go around saying MA-ma MI-a and accentuate syllables in different places.

It's funny how many people you can know without realizing it. You can sit down at a table with a friend and someone your friend knows and later another one of your friends comes and sits down. It turns out that that friend knows the other two people. Then another group of people that you know comes over and sits down, and they know all the other people at the table. Then before you know it, you're sitting at big table with a whole bunch of people that you've met separately who all just happen to know each other and suddenly you're a big group of people who all know each other. Interesting.

The weather today was very nice. It was sunny, but not too warm, not more than 50-55 degrees I think. I'm not looking forward to next week when it's supposed to be in the 80s. I hate hot weather. But I shouldn't get too upset, it'll be even warmer than that at home.

Why does it take them so long to make veggie burgers in the cafeteria?

Why are there ants in my dorm room? I've killed three today. I live on the third floor! Those are some ambitious ants!

I have something floating around in my mind. I'm not entirely sure what you would call it. A thought, idea, dream, or wish? It's like the one white cloud in a sky of pure blue. Not a storm cloud, just a lone white, fluffy cloud. The kind you look at and wonder where it came from, how it got there, and what makes it stay when everything around is so clear and blue. I really don't mind this "thing", it's just slightly distracting at times. But then again, it's always been those lone clouds that have intrigued me the most.

Well, here goes nothing. I'm actually kind of nervous about having other people read what I'm thinking, but I guess this will be a good way for me to get over it. Plus, it's almost the beginning of summer, so I might as well start one so I'll have something to do this summer. Actually, I don't care if anyone reads it or not, it's mostly just for me anyway. I know the name "Once Upon a Dream" might sound cheesy, but it's the name of a song from the musical "Jekyll and Hyde", my favorite musical ever. I've been listening to it nearly nonstop for the past few days, so I was trying to figure out what I love about it so much. I saw it onstage in Charleston 3 years ago when it was touring, and it left me in awe. It's tragically beautiful, like Romeo and Juliet, full of so many what-ifs and just barely missed chances for things to work out happily. I was in a trance throughout the whole show and immediately fell in love with the characters, costumes, themes, but above all else, the music. It has by far the most beautiful and moving music than any other show I've ever heard. I realized that's why I love the soundtrack so much. You don't need to see the people, they sing with so much conviction and emotion that you don't have to see them. You just have to close your eyes and be swept away, no actors necessary. I cried twice while watching the musical onstage and nearly did the same thing the other day just listening to the music.

On a different note, today was probably one of the most unproductive days I've had in ages. Despite all my time spent not doing schoolwork, I still managed to finish five pages of my final paper, making it half finished. I'm not sure if that's a good thing though since I haven't even started writing about the biggest part of my paper. At this rate, it'll be more like 12-15 pages. Some teachers don't like it if you go above the page limit, so I might have to cut some of it out. Well, I'm going to isolate myself from civilization tomorrow until I finish. My calculus final is the same day that my paper is due, and that has me very, very nervous. I'll be happier once Wednesday is over.

My parents sent me some food the other day with a card that said "Sure, you're far away from your home and family, but look on the bright side...(on the inside) "You're far away from your home and family!", then my mom wrote "This card looked perfect for you!". Yeah, she pretty much had that right. My parents are great. They know me too well.

Well, that's all I suppose. Nothing insightful tonight. I guess it's kind of late for that. I'm actually getting kind of tired (that really is surprising, I can usually stay up all night with no problem). I'm sure I'll have something more interesting to say later. Normally I can't get thoughts out of my head fast enough.