The Garden State soundtrack is the best CD ever.

Today was really miserable/crappy/bitchy/full of rage.

I suck at life.

Going home was so nice. I really didn't do anything all weekend except hang around my house. It was so nice to just be without having to go anywhere or do anything at a specific time. I got to sleep in my own bed, watch tv at my own house on the familiar couch, and take showers in my own vanilla-scented bathroom. It was wonderful. Of course I'm sort of paying for it now because I have so much reading to finish by morning that I didn't get done at home. It was worth it though. I really hated to leave so soon.

I sort of wish I had more time so I could write more on my blog. As pointless, silly, and trifle as it may seem, there is something that I really like about it. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is, but all I know is that something compels me to continue each time I feel like I should quit. I used to keep some form of a diary every day in various notebooks, but now I've nearly quit, and that sort of makes me sad. I always like looking back on my life so I can realize how petty and/or naive I once was.

I slept most of the way home, but during one of those foggy interludes between consciousness and sleep, I thought about how quickly my life was going by. I thought about how weird it would be if this was all a dream. What if I woke up in the morning and had to take the SATs? That would be horrible. As many times as I've been upset or stressed out and as many bad things that have happened in the past couple of years, I wouldn't want to go back and do it all over again. There's nothing since college that I've regretted; everything has taught me something valuable. The person that I am today would not even recognize the person that I was two years ago. The truth is, I love college. I love being in college, I love the people who surround me. I love the atmosphere, the opportunities, and the feeling that anything could happen in the next second. I love the fact that I've never been at a better point in my life, suspended somewhere between total dependence and responsibility, living in my own reality but edging ever closer toward a whirlwind that I can't control. I need an emergency brake.

In other news, we finished continuous recruitment and ended up with the 15 most amazing girls on campus, our additional 8 undergoing formal pledging tomorrow night. That event made me indescribably happy, much more so than I would have ever imagined. I honestly don't think anyone could understand unless they were in the same situation. Our new pledge class is truly made up of 15 wonderful, fantastic, spectacular, amazing girls and I love each and every one of them. It's so bizarre, I never would have imagined that I would feel this way toward the new girls, but just because they are joining, I feel so much responsibility for them. For making sure that they are happy, that they have friends, that they're comfortable, not failing classes, and that everything in their life is wonderful just because they will be future sisters. And yes, I got a new little. She's SO excited to be a Kappa, so I don't think she will drop out. I already bought stuff for her while I was home and I can't wait to tell her that I'm her big because she doesn't know yet. This week is relatively light as far as homework goes and I don't have any classes on Tuesday or Thursday. Basically, it's just another week here at Denison.

And blah, my e-mail doesn't work right now. Maybe it's because I have 672 messages in my inbox. I guess I should delete some, huh?

I'm Procrastinating

Wow, I am in hardcore procrastination mode tonight. I was going to be so productive this weekend since I had a tremendous amount of work, but unfortunately none of it got finished. I spent all of Friday night in Fellows attempting to write a paper, but all I managed to get done was the re-reading of all the information for the paper and an outline. I meant to finish it Saturday, but couldn't knowing that all my friends were going to Easton and I had spent all of Friday night alone doing homework. So most of my friends and our newbies ate dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Mmmmmm Oreo mudslide cheesecake. So much for that diet. After that Melissa had a Hawaiian themed party. We went for awhile, but it was stifling hot with about 10 too many people crammed into a double in Shaw. I was glad when we left because it was really uncomfortable. We came back to Curtis and watched The Notebook in Laurie's room before going to bed.

I wasted most of today. I woke up at 9 a.m. and ran to the bathroom sick from a stomach virus or something. After sitting up for awhile feeling yucky, I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 2 p.m. After that, I really didn't get any work done, but I did manage to call home. I'm going home this weekend, which is definitely something to get excited about! Anyway, I basically did nothing other than go to chapter then watch tv and talk to my roommate all night. Very unproductive. As of now, I've still only written a page and have decided to screw the 100 pages of reading I was supposed to do. I'll try to catch up tomorrow in between classes or something. Now I'm still procrastinating. I just don't feel like writing this paper. It really sucks, and so does what I have written so far. Oh well, I'll finish it before I go to bed. It isn't due until 2:30, so I have a little time tomorrow. Ok, back to the paper until I find something else to distract me in five minutes.

Sad

My little is depledging :*( That makes me very sad. I was going to make her a pillow, buy her Kappa post-it notes and pens, and give her a shirt. Boo. I hope I can get another one.

History...Boo!

My "Debating the Middle Ages" class is making me hate history and not want to be a major or minor. The professor is so hard and not so helpful. He has more of a "figure it out yourself" kind of method which really sucks when the essay topics are multi-faceted and too involved. Blah. Just when I was starting to really like history it has to go and get all weird again. I wish I could just take English lit classes all the time and forget about everything else. *Sigh* I love my literature classes - they are the highlight of my day. Not to mention every professor I've had in that department has been amazing - so interesting, nice, helpful, and always willing to talk. Too bad I only have one this semester. I wish I could take all the English classes except the creative writing classes because I loathe creative writing. I'd much rather write nonfiction any day. But this is a liberal arts school with yucky GE classes and impossible history seminars.

Alison is getting fat(ter) again. That means I have to drag myself down to Mitchell everyday again. It's about time for another crash diet where I lose 10 pounds in a week then gain it all back again the next week. Yeah, it's about that time. Start now, just in time for pledge formal, St. Patrick's Day bar party, and spring formal. I guess that's enough incentive. Goodbye chocolate chip cookies, hello treadmill :/

I'm tired. Blah. And I feel like complaining (obviously). Which is probably why I took journal/blog/whatever you want to call it thing off my profile, so I could complain. Actually I don't know why I did. I just felt like it. Okay, next post will be happy/silly/not me complaining.

I'm a Robot

I've stayed at library until it closes at 2 A.M. for the past three nights in a row now. The late night library people are beginning to recognize me. I think I've made some new friends.

I'm beginning to feel like a robot programmed to do the same things every day. I get up, I go to class, I read or write papers, I go to appointments and meetings, and I go to sleep, then I get up and do the same thing over again the next day. I hardly see anyone except at lunch and dinner, if I make time for it. I guess the funny thing is that I really don't mind too much, mostly because there really is no other way for things to be. Every single minute of my day is scheduled. All evidence of a social life or any attempt at one has vanished, perhaps permanently. I just don't have time to talk to people. Not anyone. Not even my roommate. On Monday, I went the entire day without saying one word to her. She was gone when I woke up and when I came back to the room, she was asleep. I was only in my room for about an hour that entire day. I don't really know what it is that is taking so much of my time because I really have been more efficient with things. I don't really see a break in the future, but oddly enough I don't care. Maybe I really am happier just forgetting about the world and concentrating only on school work and things like that. And I mean that in a totally positive and non-depressed "woe is me" kind of way because I really do feel much calmer than I did last semester. Weird.

I'm still trying to get my life back to normal after the hurricane that was formal recruitment. It's harder than I thought it would be to catch up with work and sleep, but I think I'm just about there. I'm really tired right now, and I have a whole bunch of work to do, but don't feel like doing any of it. I have such a love/hate relationship with my sorority, and right now it's leaning more toward the negative side. Recruitment was so stressful, even more so than last year, and I think I spent too much time with them this weekend. I really really really wish that I had more friends outside of the sorority because sometimes I just really need to get away from all of that stuff. Unfortunately, I only have about 2 friends that aren't in my sorority, and they're fairly hard to get in touch with. Blah. I guess I'm kind of just in an icky mood, mostly because I'm really tired. I sort of wish I had gone home this weekend. I was strongly considering it, and now I think maybe I should have. I can't go next weekend, but maybe the weekend after that. I just need to relax and get away from college and everything that goes with it for awhile. Plus I really really miss my mom a whole bunch. It looks like I won't be going home for Spring Break either. I'll probably go on the Habitat for Humanity trip to Louisiana. Last year it was a lot of fun, and this year they're going to New Orleans. I always wanted to go there, plus that means I'll get to cross the Mississippi River!!!!! I've never been west of the Mississippi, but have made it one of my life goals to cross over to the other side. That in itself is enough to make me want to go on the spring break trip. Just to prove how sheltered I am, Friday was my first time in a real airport. I went with a friend who wanted to surprise her dad, who was getting off a plane at the Columbus international airport. It was so neat. I'd seen airports on TV all the time, but I'd never actually been in one. It was an exciting, somewhat surreal experience. That's how much of a dork I am, looking in awe around the inside of an airport terminal.