Sorry, but I had to post again because I was up and thinking about stuff. Plus I want to experiment with new fonts and colors. :)
 
I was thinking about a conversation I had with one of the carryout boys at work last week. I went to high school with him and we were both in the band, and while I never talked to him at school, I knew who he was. He's only going to be a senior in high school this year, but he is surprisingly very mature and probably the coolest carryout we have right now. It must be because he went to Capital (haha). Anyway, he asked me all about college, what I was doing there, how it was, what I was majoring in, etc. So I told him I was probably going to major in English or history or maybe both, but I didn't really know what I was going to do after that. Then he proceeded to tell me how he was already halfway to having an amateur pilot's license and he was planning to go to Fairmont State College next year because they have some kind of special aeronautical program. He also wanted to get a business degree  in case he couldn't be a pilot.
 
That made me feel incredibly stupid. Here I am, already finished with my first year of college, with little more than a faint idea of what I want to do, and he's not even out of high school and already has a plan he seems confident with. Of course I had plans in high school too, but nothing that ever seemed permanent. I went from museum curator or historian to music teacher or advertising executive, and once in 11th grade when I was doing really well in chemistry, I thought I might be a chemist. Ha! That thought makes me laugh now. Clearly I am not made for a career in the fields of math or science, as evidenced by my grades in those classes the past year! So yeah, I had plans, but none of them ever lasted.
 
I just decided that I might like to major in English and history during Christmas break of this past year, mainly because I like to read and analyzing literature is something I wouldn't mind doing.  I find history very interesting and like to read and study it, so I think I could be interested and happy with that as well. That's all well and good that I like those things, but I really don't know what to do with a degree in English/history once I'm out of college. When I tell people I'm interested in those subjects, they usually assume I want to be a teacher. Half of my family are teachers and I really don't want to do that. My mom is like everyone's favorite teacher from elementary school, and I see what she does and know that is something I would never like. So if I tell people I don't want to be a teacher, they seem to think I should be a college professor. That wouldn't be so bad, but it would require a tremendous amount of school. My family (especially me!) is going to be so far in debt once I finish an undergraduate degree, I don't see how I could afford to go to grad school even though I think I would like to. I've toyed with the thought of going into journalism, although I'm not exactly sure what type and don't really have the experience.
 
It's not like I don't care or I haven't thought about it. I've spent so much time contemplating it! Also, sometimes I'm afraid that I don't have the confidence to follow through with what I really want to do. I mean, I know I'm not stupid, but I really don't feel that intelligent either, especially at college. I feel like everyone there is so much smarter than me. I know that not EVERYONE there is smarter than me, but I think a lot of people are, and I can't seem to convince myself otherwise.
 
Throughout your childhood, people always ask you what you want to be when you grow up. I always had a different answer each time it was asked. Eventually I just avoided it and thought that I had plenty of time to grow up. Now, I feel that the time I have left to answer that question is rapidly diminishing. I need to stop avoiding it and settle on something because, as scary as it sounds, I'm almost grown up, and the truth is, I've never been more confused over this question in my life.