You know, at first I was really excited about not having finals until Thursday and Friday (except for one Tuesday afternoon which wasn't too big of a deal), but now, it really kind of sucks.

And it's FREEZING cold here...I walk outside and can't feel my fingers within 5 seconds. I can't wait to go home where it's a little warmer.

The older I get, the more I realize just how flawed I am. I'm too emotionally needy, too clingy, too dependent on praise from others, I'm hypocritical, too much of a perfectionist about some things and not enough about others, I'm too serious, I'm a rather boring conversationalist, I lack the confidence to even attempt to go after the things I really want, I procrastinate incredibly badly, I'm very unpunctual, and I'm overly sensitive to the point that lost baby animals, children's movies, Hallmark commercials, and yes, sometimes even cheesy romances can make my eyes well up. The more I realize the mulitude of imperfections I have been cursed with, the more I wonder just how many more exist. Everyone has flaws, but it seems as though I keep obtaining new ones each and every day. Perhaps it comes from what my parents would call maturity. However, if maturity means realizing that everyday I become less and less of an efficient, ideal person and more and more of a hopelessly flawed individual destined for failure, then maybe it would be better to remain ignorant and immature.

The more I see how flawed I am, the more I wonder if it's possible for me to achieve anything. I realize that now there are so many more opportunities for me, so many things I want to do and see and experience, but I often question whether or not I have to ability to accomplish them. I have a limited capacity for knowledge, and my procrastination and the fact that I am easily distracted detract me even more from what I someday hope to accomplish. I'm 20 years old and have yet to attempt to even plan to do anything notable or worthy of praise. I realize that all of this is of such little importance right now, regardless, it's the only thing floating through my mind. That fact alone shows just how much I lack. I can't even concentrate on the things that really matter in the present because of those that really don't.

And now, a poem:

My Cocoon tightens - Colors teaze-
I'm feeling for the Air-
A dim capacity for Wings
Demeans the Dress I wear-

A power of Butterfly must be-
The Aptitude to fly
Meadows of Majesty implies
And easy Sweeps of Sky-

So I must baffle at the Hint
And cipher at the Sign
And make much blunder, if at last
I take the clue divine-

-Emily Dickinson

Ugh.

Having a not so good few days. Called best friend and mom twice, bursting into tears, although not because of stress or finals. Can't wait to get home, but not looking forward to working at grocery store. However, one must pay dues, mustn't one? Break will be nice, being at home will be nice, hugging my parents will be nice, as I miss them much more than I did last year. In some ways, I feel more alone than I did last year, and in some ways I don't. Very confused. Sometimes I think it may be best to live life away from other people, so as not to get in their way and not to let them affect you in negative ways. Perhaps I shall become antisocial, that way I'll be sure to not hurt or bother anyone or be hurt in return. I could live entirely alone in an abandonded cabin in the woods, having little contact with the outside world, except to buy groceries. That would either turn me into a socially awkward and slightly demented genius, or a complete and total nutcase who had spoons for best friends and served them dinner by candlelight. Regardless, it hurts to feel like you've made someone you care about upset just by being alive and just by living your life normally. Especially when there's nothing you can do about it because it is just who you are and what you do. I need to go home.

I can't figure out what to write about for my American Lit. exam. I have to find a common theme between the works of nine of the authors we read and discuss what makes their writing American, what some of the common themes and myths are, some patterns in the stories, and what is an "American story" as depicted in the texts. This is very hard to do, as many of the stories contradict one another. I had an interesting theory, but I don't think my professor would like it very much because it would be too negative and probably leave too many gaps that could challenge my thesis. Perhaps later, if I have time, I will elaborate here, as it is a fairly interesting topic to me.

Sorry for the negativity. It balances out the craziness I was feeling last week. However, moods fluctuate as quickly as an ice cube melts in the Sahara Desert, so by next week, everything will be okay.

Blech, 3 finals and a paper, none of which I feel prepared for. It'll all be over soon, as time passes so quickly anymore. It feels like if I close my eyes for too long, college will be over, and when I open them, I won't know where I am.

Wow. I'm talking to myself and leaving myself comments. I desperately need a long break from college. Eleven days...

Yay Papers!!!!!!!!!!!!

Papers papers papers rule my life life life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(At least until Wednesday)

/:0 <== Haha, it has a unibrow!!!

[:0-+---< Wow, I made a person!!!! I think I'll name him Fred!!! He really likes my paper, but he thinks I should get some sleep. I told him I don't need sleep and that he needs to get some longer arms. That hurt his feelings. I felt bad, so I gave him a chocolate covered raisin and now he likes me again. :)

I have no voice. :(

But at least my throat doesn't hurt anymore. :)

And the history paper that I haven't started that was due tomorrow is now due Monday. :D

So I am happy.

I've found another procrastination tool to replace iTunes. It's called thefacebook.com, and it's this thing where you create a profile and connect with friends from you school and various schools across the country. It really doesn't have any point other than to give college students yet another way to procrastinate. I just created a profile Monday and I've already wasted a ridiculous amount of time stalking people. I guess it's supposed to help you meet people with common interests, but that doesn't really work. I mean seriously, imagine if someone just randomly walked up to you and said "Hi, I saw you on the facebook and I noticed that we both like sushi. Would you like to go out for sushi sometime?" No, you don't do that. Why? Because it's creepy and just admitting that you're stalking people. It's like people who read everyone's away messages every 10 minutes and read blogs without commenting (ahem), only admitting that they do that. Oh wait...I'm one of those people...anyway, it's still really fun and addicting, even more so than a blog. Obviously I'm fascinated. Oh, the distractions I'm forced to endure (overly dramatic sigh)!

I know they don't have one at UC, Marshall, Liberty, or Malone :*(, but they do have it at WVU, and I've already been stalking there like crazy :)

P.S. Andrea, I took pictures of my room just for you. As soon as I can get to my friend's computer, I'll let you see them. The USB drive on my computer still doesn't work, so I can't hook my digital camera up.