If you couldn't tell, I really didn't feel like posting earlier. It's just that it had been awhile and I had a bit of free time, so I wrote stuff down. Then a little later, I got to thinking about some things. A few things that made me a little sad, so I have to sort them out.

Seeing Lisa again was great, but it brought back all sorts of memories of things I'll never be able to do again and people I'll never be able to see together again. It also made me wonder just how long I can hold together these old friendships. Lisa was an amazing friend in high school. I mean, who else in the school besides the two of us cared so little about having a social life that they were willing to give up having a normal lunch period and eat by themselves during a regular class period just so they could make AP English, dual-credit calculus, and show choir fit into their schedule? That's easy - nobody. We went through a lot together besides having our own lunch period, especially in show choir on various trips and competitions and such, so I knew it would be weird without her. Anyway, the other day Lisa said something about how it's great that we have the sort of friendship in which we can go long periods without talking, but still be on good terms with each other and meet up occasionally to chat as if no time at all had passed. I'm very glad about that, but it just makes me wonder how long we can go like that. It's almost inevitable that a time will come when we simply won't call each other at all, and eventually we may never speak again.

It's not just Lisa that concerns me. In fact, she may be the one I'm least concerned with. The thing is, I can already see myself growing apart from a couple of my other friends, some who've been with me for years and years. These are the friends I've counted on the most since the time when it really mattered whether or not you had close friends. We honestly thought we'd always be together our whole lives no matter what happened. It's not like they were far away either, like Lisa was. They were here all summer and hardly made an effort to maintain contact. I know they won't when the school year starts either, and that's what bothers me. I know people get busy with things, but it really doesn't take too much effort to make a simple phone call or short e-mail just to say hey. I tried too, although maybe not hard enough. I did try harder than they did though. I hate to think of losing these people as friends, especially with no explanation, no last phone call. Oh well, now I'm going on and on and repeating myself.

I just have this fear that things will change so much and we will only continue to grow apart and talk less and less. My friends have always been my anchor. When things get crazy and out of control and I feel like I just want to scream, I've always had a friend to call, someone to depend on. What will happen when I lose nearly all the closeness I once had with these people? I suppose by then I will have better friends at college, but even if that does happen, I don't want to lose the friends I already have. My mom always tells me that even today she is better friends with people from her college than from high school. I can't imagine that being the case for me, I mean no one from my college lives within miles and miles of me. There are probably less than 20 people from my whole state at my college. I know that I will get to know people at college better and I'm sure that when it's all said and done I will have some close friends there, but it makes my stomach hurt to think of them replacing my current friends.

I know this is just me latching onto things and resisting change as I so frequently do. I always knew that this would happen someday, I just tried to avoid thinking about it for as long as possible. I know everything will work out okay, it's just kind of sad to think about. *Sigh*, growing up can be so rough sometimes.

At first I felt kind of bad for writing all this because I'm sure no one really cares. Then I realized that this is my page to write whatever I want. So sorry, I don't feel that bad about it.