I almost feel guilty for having such a nice summer and being so happy. My three best friends are all pretty unhappy at home, mostly because of problems with their parents. They complain that their parents are too restrictive and won't let them do anything without questioning them like they're in a trial, and they always want them to stay home and do lots of cleaning. Then there is the major disagreement about a difference in opinion resulting from an open-minded attitude gained at college (in one case at least). All three of them have wished that they could move into their own apartment or spend the summer somewhere else and want more than anything to get out of their house. I feel bad because I have nothing to complain about. My parents are awesome, and my relationship with them is better than it ever has been. We talk a lot more, watch lots of movies together, and spend more time together than we ever have. I think I'll miss my parents more when I leave this year than I did last year. I can't imagine spending my summers anywhere else, although I know one day I will have to. I'll just enjoy my time here until that day comes.

Although it's not even half over yet, I have nothing to complain about summer. I think I've learned more about the value of a day, and since I stopped sleeping so late, I've had time to work on the things I've put off for years. Reading books I've always wanted to read, organizing pictures that have been in ziplock bags for years, and putting together scrapbooks with the stuff that's been sitting under my bed gathering dust for longer than I can remember. I still can't help but feel bad because my friends are so stressed and unhappy and I can't do anything to help. Something tells me that invading in their family issues would not be a good idea. I suppose I should just be glad that I'm in such a good mood. I am glad. :) If things keep going in the same direction, this will be the best summer I've had in several years.

I can't help but attribute some of this to someone I met, or rather was introduced to, a little over a week ago. Although it was just a casual evening out, this person really helped me to find a part of myself that I was afraid had been lost forever. But it wasn't lost, only forgotten. Somehow it all came back to me and all the different pieces of me came together so I felt like a complete person and really knew who I was. I hope that doesn't sound too weird, but it makes perfect sense to me. It was what I'd been looking for for the longest time. Let's just say that I don't worry about nearly as many things, especially about what other people think of me, and I'm a much happier, friendlier, more optimistic person. I think I unconsciously had a life-changing revelation, all because of a spontaneous evening and the playful goofiness of this one person.

I'm seriously contemplating doing something very bold.

Yay! I have a new template! All my old comments are gone. :( (tear)

Wow, I haven't touched my computer in over a week! That's the longest time it's sat untouched in over a year! I've just been working lots and lots. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but the job I used to loathe really isn't that bad. I just went in with an optimistic and friendly attitude and it turned out to be okay. I like it so much that I volunteered to work extra hours last week! Ok, so that's a lie, I don't like it that much. However, I did work extra hours, but only because I could use the money. It's still pretty boring, but more than tolerable. Except the other day when I got kissed on the cheek by some 80 year old guy, that wasn't much fun. Neither was the day I got nasty raw chicken juice spilled all over my hand and sprayed it with generic window cleaner just to take the smell and feel of it off. But hey, that keeps it interesting, right? And who knew that they make low sodium Spam? I think that's hilarious. Why bother to make Spam healthier? Isn't Spam supposed to be unhealthy? I always thought that was part of it's innate nature, to be the epitome of all nasty, slimy, cheap, unhealthy canned meats. Why bother to try to make it something it isn't? The philosophy of Spam, an under-discussed topic in my opinion.

I'm all in summer mode now and really don't feel ready to go back to school at all. Of course I miss some people, but I've finally adjusted to being home now. That might change this week when I have the house to myself all day since I'm only working evenings. Hmmmm, more time for personal endeavors, like scrapbooks! I'm such a picture freak and I save everything that may possibly serve as a memoir in some way, plus I've got a pile of empty scrapbooks that need filling. I need a new CD, I'm tired of all my old ones. Something to listen to while I make scrapbooks. Hmmm....what to do? Well, this whole paragraph just turned out to be me thinking aloud. Moving on...

I had a splendidly marvelous dream last night. :) I have really bizzarre dreams almost every night and wonder what in the world makes me dream them. Like, the night before last I was on a cruise ship being chased around by a gigantic, hungry, angry, man-eating lion. I was terrified and almost got mauled twice, but safely hid behind a table and a guy on crutches. I finally escaped when everyone on the boat, including the lion, ended up at my old elementary school, where, being on land, I could safely run away undetected. Last night's dream was not weird at all and made perfect sense. In fact, it's exactly what I wish would happen. Like the Cinderella song "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes". My heart must have really been wishing last night! Anyway, it still makes me so happy just to think about, and I hope I never forget it! Haha, but it's a secret I'm not telling anyone what it was! ;)

One thing about working at the local grocery store is that everyone recognizes you or knows your mom, dad, or grandma. Then you get doted on like crazy (mostly by the little old ladies), oh you've grown up so much! you've gotten so pretty! you're already in college! Multiple times a day I get the same questions, How do you like college? Where did you go again? What's that? Where is that? What are you majoring in? What are you going to do after college? It's great, Denison University, Denison University I know no one else around here has heard of it either it's pretty small, Ohio, English history or maybe both, I have no idea. I don't really mind answering (well, except maybe the people I don't recognize who know my relatives and seem to know my life history. That kind of freaks me out a little). I don't intend to sound mean or unfriendly, and who doesn't like to be doted on occasionally? I just have an answer for all their questions already on speed dial in my brain, like a machine with programmed responses.

I guess I've written enough to make up for my week absence. I'll have to think of more stuff and take the time to write more often, if only for the sole purpose of coming back to read it months or even years later just to see what I was thinking at the time.

I'm so happy that I'm finally out of mind-numbing television mode and have gone back to reading. I just started Les Miserables. I've wanted to read it for quite some time but have always been intimidated because it is a tremendously long book. I haven't read much of it yet, but I think it would be helpful if I knew a bit more about the French language, French Revolution and French political systems during the early 19th century. Sadly they don't teach you much world history in school, it's all about America, and when we finally had world history, I had a really bad teacher, so I didn't really get to learn much about it when I really wanted to. I guess that's why I'm taking a European history class next semester! Yay! Anyway, it should be an interesting book, it's on a list of the 100 best novels of all time that my dad found. I don't know how qualified the editor was to create such a list, but he must have some authority on the subject to publish a book about it. I just hope it doesn't take me forever to read because there are soooooo many books I want to read this summer. Once classes start, I have no time to read anything outside of class. I usually read things so slowly too. Ick, I have to start work Sunday morning. I hate working Sunday mornings, they're so boring and slow, plus I wanted to start going back to church. My manager ALWAYS makes me work Sunday mornings, so I'm really not surprised. Look, I haven't even started yet and I'm already complaining. Yay summer jobs! I think I told a telemarketer he had the wrong number today. He misconstrued the pronunciation of my last name so badly that I couldn't understand him, so I told him he had the wrong number. After I hung up, I realized he was asking for my mom, but she wasn't home anyway so it didn't really matter. Hmmm, maybe that's a new way to get rid of telemarketers - just tell them they have the wrong number.

Sorry sorry sorry for all the self-pity and introspection! I spend a little too much time alone and it makes me a little crazy, but I'm ok now! I think I just write what I'd say to myself and forget that other people may/probably will read it and just ramble on and on. I'm TRYING to get more people to read this and leave me comments because it's just more fun that way, now isn't it? Of course it is. Tsk tsk, people are so forgetful.

I'm happy to say that I won my first game of putt-putt golf last weekend even though I haven't been there since I was 15. I also learned that I might quite possibly be the worst pool player in the history of the world. I mostly just like to play with the blue chalk cube. I saw The Stepford Wives the other day too. I wasn't expecting it to be all that funny, but it was hilarious! Just so fun and funny! I think it had some underlying (pardon the expression) "girl power" vibes too.

I have a job now too, starting next week. Of course I'm happy now, but after a couple days back, I'll probably hate it again, but I really need some money and it'll give me something to do. Funny how so many things are exciting in the beginning but fade to becoming boring. I think jobs, relationships, songs, classes, and clothes fit into this category. But one thing that never gets boring are friends. I think it works in the opposite direction for friends. I'm always excited to be able to see my friends no matter what we do. The older the friend, the more excited I am. Ahem, even if they don't like to read and leave me comments!

Is it possible to go insane from being alone in a house all day every day? If it is, I am definitely there. The days go by quickly and I try to figure out exactly what it is I do. Read a little, write a little, watch some TV, listen to some music...um...yeah, that's about it. With no means of transportation and the only things within walking distance being a grocery store, bank, pizza place, and movie rental place, there isn't much of anything to do. In fact, there's nothing to do within a 20-30 minute drive from here. That's when I really start missing college. There are always people around and a friend is never more than a brief walk away. Someone is always willing to do something and it's so much easier to get together with other people because you're so close and they don't have weird schedules like so many people now. I'm going crazy cooped up in the house all day and I desperately want to get out! Pretty soon I'll be considered eccentric, if I'm not already bordering it. I'm not quite ready to go back to school yet, but I know I will be far before the summer is over! My apologies to anyone who read this because it is sooooo BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I watched Hannibal on TV today. Talk about a really, really, really, really twisted movie. I guess that is to be expected in a movie about a deranged, sadistic cannibal. The new season of Road Rules starts tonight. I wasn't going to watch it, then I found out that Julie from Chicago graduated from high school with one of the guys that is going to be on the show and she thinks it should be watched. So I'll give into the temptation. When I was in middle school, I used to think it would be cool to be on Road Rules, mostly so you could travel around in an RV with a bunch of people you'd never met before. Now there's no way I'd want to do that. They make those people do some crazy things, like bungee jump in the middle of the jungle, crawl into a pit of poisonous snakes, and last summer, they made the guys strip at a gay bar (although that was a very, very funny episode). I don't know why I watch Road Rules and The Real World so much. All they do is yell at each other all the time then get drunk and make out in their hot tub and yell at each other some more. It's just addicting and entertaining on some levels. Like, now I'm anxious to find out who the new roommate will be on The Real World now that the old girl got fed up with them and left. Now I'm going to get hooked on Road Rules X-treme Challenge, where they supposedly have to do even crazier stuff.

I think it's amazing what you can figure out about a person based on his or her writing. It's not so much what the person writes about as much as it is the manner in which it is written. Fiction, memoirs, journals, pretty much any genre, and any level of writer, whether a published author or a high school student's essay. You can infer the writer's attitude and/or outlook toward the subject, his or her mood, writing style, and even catch a glimpse of some aspects of the person's personality. I once read somewhere that when you first meet someone and have a conversation with them, only 7% of their initial impression of you is based on what you actually say. Appearance and body language make up 55% and style of speaking makes up the other 38%. If that's true, then perhaps writing is the purest form of communication, void of all superficiality, allowing the reader to see below the surface and into the heart of the person underneath. Just a thought.

I've decided to attempt to resurrect my buried musical talents. I can't believe I let myself go for so long without playing anything. How sad. My musical abilities were part of what defined me as a person for so long. Need someone to play piano accompaniment for something? Ask Alison. Need help with a solo for All-County try-outs? Alison can help! Don't know the part you're supposed to be singing in the show? Stand next to Alison, she knows it! Not that I minded, it was a perfectly respectable thing to be known for, I guess I just got tired of it and didn't want to carry the image with me into college. I didn't know I'd miss it so much and be so upset when I couldn't play as well anymore. I feel like I abandoned a critical part of myself. More like I just sent it into the corner to hide with it's back turned for awhile, hoping to forget about it. This past year I learned that I can't forget about it, only suppress it for a period of time. It will always come back, begging to be resurfaced. I suppose there is nothing left for me to do but surrender to its requests.

Something I learned from reality TV: Attitude is everything. I suppose, in a sense, you change your attitude, you change the way others view you. If you change the way other people see you, you change their perception of your personality. If your attitude is part of your personality, then changing your attitude would change your personality. If personality defines a person, then you would be changing part of yourself, therefore not acting like yourself. People act like it's a bad thing to not act like yourself. All the time you always hear people giving the advice to "Just be yourself", as though that will provide a solution to every situation. What if the attitude you portray is not really part of your personality and you are not being yourself on a daily basis? Then if you change your attitude, you are not really changing your personality, and you were never "being yourself" to begin with. Now that your attitude has changed, you are more of yourself then you were to begin with. But what if you change your attitude even though the first attitude was really you, but it turns out that you like the new you even better than the old one. You have changed your attitude, therefore your personality and yourself for the better, making you a happier person. Then is it okay to not be yourself? Or is your new attitude now "yourself", so in reality you have been yourself the entire time and the former attitude was not yourself at all. Or is "yourself" just the way you are acting at the time? I suppose that would mean that you create your own attitude and personality, thus creating your own sense of "yourself". So that would mean that it is possible to change yourself and always be yourself at the same time. Because your attitude defines "yourself", even if you only change your attitude once, you have still changed "yourself", even if it is only temporary. So by changing your attitude, you are still acting as yourself, it may just be a different self from the one that was acting out yesterday, an hour ago, or 30 seconds ago. Eh, I'm sure there are a billion ways to contradict that. I'm not even entirely sure that it makes any sense whatsoever, and I'm not sure what I was trying to get at anyway. Except maybe that reality TV doesn't make me stupid and stop thinking after all.

I feel myself changing musical tastes yet again. I'm slipping back into sappy pop music sung by girls (think Michelle Branch and Vanessa Carlton). As much as I first hated to admit it, I really like the song "Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson. I know when I first heard it, I thought "Oh no, not another mediocre pop song by the sibling of some overrated pop star hoping for 15 minutes of fame". What can I say, it grows on you after awhile, so I had to download it. I suppose we all have our weaknesses. I had to download the Dashboard Confessional song "Vindicated" that is on the Spider-Man 2 soundtrack too. I love it so much, I think I listened to it 5 times in a row, listed to a couple of other songs, then listened to it again another 5 times. I can't deny my history with Dashboard Confessional, my summer obsession of last late summer/early fall. It makes me want to go back and listen to The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most, or go way back to The Swiss Army Romance and dig out my poster. Anyway, "Hands Down" is the best Dashboard song ever. It's definitely on my list of my top 10 favorite songs ever. I'm not sure what number and not sure what else is up there, but "Hands Down" is definitely on there somewhere. Although I really think this new song is one of his best. Oh well, I'm already working on a playlist of summer songs that I'll eventually burn onto CDs so I can always go back and be reminded of this summer. However, it's only early June and I already have nearly a whole CD. I guess it'll just be volumes 1, 2, and potentially 3 or more. Or it could just get really obsessive like all those NOW CDs, up to number 15 or whatever. Nah, I'll try to avoid that.

Oh well, it's 5:30 in the morning and I'm not sure why I sat here and wrote so much random stuff. I guess I just couldn't think of anything for the longest time, then I got flooded. Plus, it was the middle of the night, the time when I always write the most, feel the most inspired, and lose many of the inhibitions I carry with me during the day. I just say what I want and really don't care how strange it sounds. Tomorrow, I'll wonder why I just kept rambling and probably feel like an idiot, but right now I really don't care. I suppose I'll go to sleep now that the early birds are already singing, catching their worms, and the deep blue of the sky is emerging from it's opaque confinement. Honestly, sometimes the strangest things just pour out of my head.

Wow, I got up at 7 o'clock this morning! Only so I could finally go to my high school and get my yearbook. Then I went out for breakfast with my dad, which was nice. For some reason, every time I talk with my dad, he motivates me to become more intelligent and ambitious. So I was super productive today! I was too nervous to call about any of my job applications, so I finally sucked it up and called two of them. I talked to the hiring manager at Aeropostale and she said they hadn't started looking at applications yet, but she was going to spend the next three days looking over them so they can hire people. Maybe there's hope yet! I want to work at a clothing store so I can get an employee discount, hehe. If that fails, I can always go back to being a checkout girl. The manager is super nice and he likes me, and I would be very surprised if he denied me a job if I asked. It's not that bad, plus I get paid a lot more than I would at other places. I'm just proud of myself for calling :)

After that, I gave my room a makeover and rearranged all my furniture since it's been in the same spot my entire life. I have so much more floor space now! I bought some organizer things and, well, organized things. I think I was a little too excited about the whole thing. It was the most fun I had all week.

I sat down and played piano for over an hour today, mostly just classical stuff I hadn't played in ages. I was so happy to be able to play again, I don't know why I don't do it more often. I used to be so good at piano, and now I just suck. But it really was nice to just be able to play, even though I struggled with stuff I used to play effortlessly. I think my problem is that I just want to do everything, so instead of becoming great at one thing, I'm just mediocre at everything. I really want to go back to playing piano or some form of music. Before college, I had hardly gone a day without playing music or singing since I was nine years old, and now I hardly play at all. So sad :( I think I'll work on piano again. I want to be able to play with feeling instead of with thinking, the way I used to a few years ago.

I have nothing deep or thought provoking to say. I've been thinking pretty surface level lately. I think I'm watching too much reality TV.

Wow I had a crazy weekend. Graduation was Saturday night, so I met some friends from h.s. and we went to Chili's and graduation, just like we did last year. I saw so many people I graduated with there, it felt like I was graduating all over again. Everyone said I talk a lot more now, so that makes me very happy. After that I was requested to accompany a friend to a party hosted by the older brother of some guy I was sort of friends with in ninth grade. Having nothing else to do and after some subtle pleading, I agreed to go. Hey, what are friends for? It was pretty weird because it was mostly guys who were older than us and people that I hadn't talked to since 9th grade. It turned out not to be so bad, everyone was really nice and we ended up staying until 4 A.M., which is later than I ever stayed out in college. I never though I'd see a day when I stayed out that long with friends here!

Of course there was the annual family trip to visit my mom's family in the country on Memorial Day. That never passes without something weird happening. Once my dad got shocked by an electric fence, another time we had to climb up the hill past the creeks, barbed wire, and chickens, and I'll never forget the time I got attacked by the biggest, scariest, angriest turkey I've ever seen in my life. My mom's brother lives an hour away out in the land where everyone lives in trailors or 1930's two story farmhouses with peeling white paint, and some mixture of cows, horses, goats, chickens, geese, and too many dogs and cats to count. And of course the random turkey that gets pissed off and chases anything that crosses its path. We always take flowers up to this very small cemetary on the top of a hill where my grandparents that I never knew are buried, and we always have to ride in the back of my uncle's truck because it's a pretty rough path up the hill. Since it was POURING the rain down that day, me, my dad, and my cousin had to ride in lawn chairs with an oversized tarp over our heads on the back of my uncle's gigantic truck down a narrow road, through creeks and electric fences, and up the rocky hill. Only in West Virginia would you see people riding on the back of a pickup truck sitting in lawn chairs in the rain. I had to laugh.

It hasn't gone a day without rain or thunderstorms in two weeks and the power was off for four hours today. It's beginning to be like Ohio. It's annoying. Know what else is annoying? Being as lazy and unmotivated as me. I've been home 3 weeks and haven't done anything. I think I'm getting stupider.